Writings
Poems
Poems with an * = newer poems
Please give awhile for the poems to load, as there are many. haha. =D
Songs
Let me fly
Another day passes by,
Another night, with a sigh.
This pain I feel, made angels cry,
Set me free, now let me fly.
Fly far away to a place,
Where I can be in your embrace.
To feel your touch, to see your face,
And be with you for all my days
Fly me deep into your heart,
Where I'll remove the broken shards.
The scars of life that left you marred,
I'll heal your pain, I'll mend your heart.
Fly me across the open sea,
Where close to you, I can be.
Free me then from this cruel irony,
Of love separated, that can never be.
Fly me up, then let me fall,
For if fall I must, I'll endure it all.
No ocean too wide, not mountain too tall,
To be with you, I'll conquer them all.
But now it's time to say goodbye,
For love itself, was quite a lie.
I'll love you dearly till when I die,
But now is gone, so let me fly.
-12th June 2002-
Writer's note: The dates on many of the poems may not be exact. Many are written earlier, and I just finalised them on the posted date. This one's about me, feeling sad, and trapped, as I couldn't reach her. I felt locked out. In the end, I felt that everything i've done was useless. And it probably was.
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I'm falling
Look, I'm falling.
All hope is lost, I'm falling, falling…
Deeper down I fall, my heart despairing,
When will this end, HELP ME! I'm falling.
Is there no end to this cruel tormenting,
As deeper down the depths of sorrow, I'm plunging.
Someone help me! My heart is shouting,
But silence echoes as my heart is breaking.
No one hears my silent crying,
For within myself I contain my sobbing.
Soon I must take rein of my feelings,
And guide myself to a safe landing
For though fall I must, It's my undoing,
If I don't stop, and rise up standing.
To face my challenges, uphill, ascending,
But as for now, I'm content with falling, falling.
-13th June 2002-
Writer's note: I felt the grief and the pain of a broken heart, and though many find it depressing, I found it, strangely an experience that I could appreciate, and so I let myself fall, because I wanted to experience the sadness that many people feel, I wanted to know how they felt at their level. Perhaps now I know how God feels when we reject him.
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I never knew
I never knew what sorrow and pain could to a man,
I never knew loves bitterness.
I never knew how life would feel dreaming of you, and then,
Waking to find only emptiness.
I never knew the joy of gazing at the moon and stars
I never knew it's loveliness.
For I never knew love, broken, would force me to bear the scars.
Of being without you, eternal loneliness.
I never knew how a day could be so quick to pass without a care,
I never knew such pointlessness.
I never knew I'd ever have to endure sorrow and sadness bear
For everything now is meaningless
-15th June 2002-
Writer's note: Some things you read about, but never fully understand unless you've been through that situation yourself.
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Sitting in the rain
I'm sitting out here in the rain,
Tear drops falling down in vain.
Both outpourings help relieve my sorrow and pain
And as for now, keep me sane.
Then anger surges through, like a charging train,
Uncontrollable fury rips through my veins.
And just before this love drives me insane,
I regain my senses, frustrated, sitting out here in the rain.
-16th June 2002-
Writer's note: I wrote this when I was feeling really frustrated at someone, but anger never got the better of me, as I suppose, I cared for her too much.
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Paralyzed
Paralyzed I lie here in my bed,
Paralyzed filled with sorrow and dread.
Paralyzed for I still can't get you out of my head,
Paralyzed is how I feel, for without you, everything seems dead.
-16th June 2002-
Writer's note: Love gives you purpose to live, and when that love is taken away, you feel paralysed.
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Another day begins
The sun rises, another day begins.
I wonder if there was some kind of mistake.
For no matter how I hard I try to be grateful and appreciate,
Everything still seems so fake!
-16th June 2002-
Writer's note: Love also motivates, and when that love is taken away, doing stuff just seems pointless.
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Irony
Oh cruel irony, set me free,
Remove this sorrow that grips me.
My suffering's end, now let me see,
So in love again, I can be.
-18th June 2002-
Writer's note: I wrote this when I felt misunderstood. When I did what I thought was right, and she thought was not quite. I was just hoping for the entire debacle to unravel, but it never did.
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Quit trying to protect me
Quit trying to protect me,
Just tell me how you feel!
Cause whatever the problem be,
It can be remedied still.
Quit trying to protect me,
Show no mercy and no grace.
For if I'm really guilty,
Just shove it in my face!
Quit trying to protect me,
Tell me were you for real.
Cause if it is true love I see,
Than maybe we can heal.
Quit trying to protect me,
My heart yearns for the truth.
Hear me out, answer my plea,
For this unrest I must sooth.
Quit trying to protect me,
If someone should take the fall.
Let pain and sorrow come to me,
And not to you at all!
-20th June 2002-
Writer's note: Some people like to, as I would call it, "take the fall" meaning they try to take the blame upon themselves. It frustrates me, especially if I don't know whether I was right or wrong.
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The pills of burden
I have taken the pills of burden,
So let me bear your cares.
Your shoulders are heavy laden,
But mine has space to spare.
I have taken the pills of burden,
I am willing now to share.
The sadness you feel and even,
Your worries and despair.
I have taken the pills of burden,
Share now your pain and sorrow.
So together we'll search for freedom,
And create a better tomorrow.
-13th July 2002-
Writer's note: This poem expresses my yearning to understand
the pain I see in some people, but I can only merely guess what's going through their
minds. Sometimes I wish that "that someone" would open up, and let me
understand their sorrows. Even if I can't help them, the least I can do is
listen, and help them bear their burdens.
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Still dreaming
Was I dreaming, when you said,
How much you loved me, on our first date.
For though it rings clear in my head,
It feels more like a dream instead.
Am I still dreaming, now that we,
Together again, can never be.
For though I'd follow you across the sea,
This dream reminds to let go of thee.
Will I still be dreaming, of the times we had,
The tears and laughter, happy and sad.
Though this times are past, so what, too bad,
I'll still be dreaming, I'll never forget.
These dreams will ring forever true,
Like this love, from me to you.
And till you return, If you ever do,
I'll still be dreaming, my love, of you.
-18th July 2002-
Writer's note: I find myself constantly day-dreaming, about how things should've been, how I would have done it if I had it my way. But in the end, they are just dreams.
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Too Bad
It's too bad you have to leave today,
Too bad life's taking you away.
Oh how I wish that you would stay,
Sigh, maybe we'll meet up again someday.
-19th July 2002-
Writer's note: She was leaving the country.
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Why do I still miss you
Tell me why do I still miss you,
Tell me why my heart still cares,
Tell me what in the world can I do,
To get myself out of this mess!
Tell me why do I still miss you,
Tell me why after so long,
I'm still thinking of you like a fool,
And wanting you back though you're gone.
Tell me why do I still miss you,
For no matter what I do,
Inside I am still yearning,
My love, to be with you.
Tell me why do I still miss you,
Even though I understand,
What was with us is over,
I think, this will never end.
I don't know why I still miss you,
Your decision I respect,
But if opportunity comes up again,
You know what to expect.
(Add on)
Tell me why do I still love you,
Tell me why do I still care,
Tell me why though you're not here,
I feel you, everywhere.
-17th September 2002-
Writer's note: She was gone, but I still missed her. Pretty obvious. haha.
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Tonight
Tonight you came back in my life,
Tonight you were in my embrace.
Tonight again we laughed and cried,
But tonight I'm still left dazed.
Tonight you showed conflicting hues,
Tonight you gave me hope.
Tonight you too, caused me the blues,
Your intentions I can't scope.
Tonight I started to shed my tears,
Tonight I started to cry.
Tonight I felt impaled by spears,
Of sorrow when you said goodbye.
Tonight you lifted my spirits high,
Tonight I was so much closer.
Tonight I leave you with a sigh
For what's said and done is over.
-29th September 2002-
Writer's note: I spent some time with her, I didn't really embrace or laugh and cry. HAHA, but still I didn't know where things were going. So confused. So confused.
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Time
Every second of my day,
Every second till time for bed,
Every second till today,
You're still in my head.
Every minute that passes by,
Every minute that I still breathe,
Every minute away it flies,
Your absence I still grieve.
Every hour that is my time,
Every hour I'm awake,
Every hour passes so sublime,
Your memories I still can't shake.
Every day that is so precious,
Every day that makes my week,
Every day, it's quite atrocious,
My princess I still seek.
Every week that slips away,
Every week that's such a lag,
Every week whenever I pray,
I tell God I want you back.
Every month I count the days,
Every month It's like a haze,
Every month makes me more crazed,
But my love for you still stays.
Every year that I mature,
Every year we are apart,
Every year makes me more sure,
I love you from my heart.
-4th October 2002-
Writer's note: I wrote this in the middle of the night, when I felt the hours ticking by and I just couldn't sleep because she was on my mind.
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Don't blame me
Don't blame me if I'm angry,
Don't blame me if I'm mad.
Don't say I'm acting crazy,
Don't think I'm being bad.
Don't blame me if I'm crying,
Don't blame me when I weep.
Don't blame me if I'm lying,
It's your love I'm trying to keep.
Don't blame me when I say,
Don't blame me when I cry,
Don't blame me if everyday,
I still want you more than life.
Don't blame me for not trying,
Don't blame me for that lie.
Don't blame me for not running,
Back to you cause you'd just sigh.
Don't blame me if I dream,
Don't blame me when I'm sad.
Don't blame me when I scream,
I really want you back!
Don't blame me for my actions,
Don't blame me for not forgetting.
Don't blame me for my passion,
Love, devotion and everything!
-4th October 2002-
Writer's note: Sometimes I feel love should be selfish. Can't blame people for loving, can you.
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Here comes my tormentor
Here comes my tormentor,
For her I still have hope.
I can't forget her laughter,
Without her I can't cope.
Here comes my tormentor,
I surely want her back.
She lives happily ever after,
But without her love, I lack.
Here comes my tormentor,
For me she cares what not.
This I endure and suffer,
For her love just can't be sought.
Here comes my tormentor,
For though I love her still,
Here stand remains unwavered,
Love me, she never will.
-4th October 2002-
Writer's note: The see-saw friendship I had with her made me feel tormented inside. It's like the chipsmore adverts, Now you see it, Now you don't.
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The shout in darkness
I hear the shout in darkness,
I hear that piercing call.
I feel it's hollow emptiness,
That echoes against the walls.
I hear the shout in darkness,
I hear it's mournful wail.
I hear it's pleading madness,
To hear it's sorrowed tale.
I hear the shout in darkness,
It cries of love that's failed.
It tells of loving wishes,
Regrets of life it hailed.
I hear the shout in darkness,
"My love" I hear it cry.
"Come back to me" it flashes,
Across the silent sky.
I hear the shout in darkness
But there's not one reply.
Just silence and the starkness,
When nothing heeds my cry.
For I am the shout in the darkness.
I am the voice of pain.
That springs from my own loneliness,
Love, driving me insane.
-4th October 2002-
Writer's note: I felt my cries of despair going nowhere, except back to my own ears. I guess we always feel that nobody understands.
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Forget me not
Sing like the birds on a summer morn,
Cry like a child, who's just been born.
Laugh like you're free, all your sorrows gone,
Die like all things have been said and done.
But forget me not.
-5th October 2002-
Writer's note: I wanted her to be happy. I just wish, that she'll remember me, even though I could not be beside where to shar her joys.
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Life's so unfair!
Why can't I say I love you,
Why can't I say I care.
Why can't I say I need you,
Why can't I always be there.
Life's so unfair!
-6th October 2002-
Writer's note: Ever felt like screaming at someone what you feel or think, but can't do it because of the situation?
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Yet again
Yet again you go,
Yet again I know.
Yet again I cry,
Yet again goodbye.
Yet again you came,
Yet again all's same.
Yet again you'll leave,
Yet again I'll grieve.
-10th October 2002-
Writer's note: Yet again, she was back, and then she was gone.
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A little taste of heaven
A little taste of heaven,
Now everything is hell.
My last goodbye is given,
Till then, I wish you well.
-11th October 2002-
Writer's note: Every time I get to see her, it's like tasting heaven. But when
she's gone, I'm left alone to deal with the loss.
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Life's questions
How to be someone of tact,
And not be oversensitive.
How to distinguish truth and fact,
From lies, tricks up one's sleeve.
How to love, and love accept,
And not confuse it with sympathy.
How a breakup one respect,
And not dwell in self pity.
How, vast knowledge one attain,
And still there's more to gain.
How in wisdom one might train,
But remain humble all the same.
How to forgive, lies and hate,
When by one's friend, been betrayed.
How to keep mercy undead,
And still true enemies we differentiate.
How careful and, one cautious be,
When risks some should be taken.
How flawless can a human be,
If from mistakes we somehow learn.
How can one believe in fate,
When we can shape our future.
How can different roads two take,
And both find joy in either.
How can life be full of questions,
When no one has the answers.
How superior are then, we humans,
When compare to all the others.
-16th October 2002-
Writer's note: This poem, and the next one were written during english class in college. We were reading some really interesting articles touching on tact, anxiety and stuff like that, so i got distracted and penned these out while the other students were struggling with
their exercises... haha
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Anxiety Guilt and worry
Anxiety guilt and worry,
These pains everyone has to face.
These burdens all do carry,
It's all part of life's race.
Anxiety guilt and worry,
Caused many a depression.
For many fail in summary,
To answer life's though questions.
Anxiety guilt and worry,
Is root of human suffering.
It's repressed when related to tragedy,
And projected to displace one's blaming.
Anxiety guilt and worry,
Is cause of much extremes.
It makes some very fussy,
Attention yelling screams.
Anxiety guilt and worry,
Cause some to live in denial.
These reactions are often silly,
But still they are not trivial.
Anxiety guilt and worry,
Often results in much, a negative.
Some have to seek out therapy,
To makes things look more positive.
-22nd October 2002-
Writer's note: Also wrote this based on an article I read.
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Time (Second edition)
Time gives no one face,
Time shows no one mercy.
Time shows never, grace,
Time moves on eternity.
Time can be a snail,
Time can pass an instant.
Time will never fail,
Time always moves a constant.
Time cannot be bought,
Time has yet to be traveled.
Time is often sought,
Time still remains unraveled.
-22nd October 2002
Writer's note: Time really flies when you have something, someone, on your mind.
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Too afraid of love and life
Too afraid, to love, confess,
Too afraid, of love confession.
Too afraid to love, suppress,
Too afraid of love's rejection.
Too afraid of life's oppressions,
Too afraid of life's trials.
Too afraid of life's depressions,
Too afraid of life's denials.
-10th November 2002-
Writer's note: So many people are too afraid to take the risks of love. Count me in.
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Alone
The starry skies are falling down,
My head is spinning round and round.
The wind cries it's unearthly sound,
As I kneel here lonely on the ground.
My heart despairs, my soul travails,
My spirit cries, to no avail.
At sorrow's end, all seemed to fail,
The taste of love is bitter, stale.
-12th November 2002-
Writer's note: Out my balcony again, listening to the monsoon winds buffeting my candle, and I just felt so lonely.
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Confused
I am confused about my feelings,
Confused about this love deceiving.
Confused, afraid I'm slowly falling,
For that girl I have been watching.
-12th November 2002-
Writer's note: For the first time in awhile, I felt attraction towards someone else other than her, and I felt like i've betrayed myself.
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Tired
I'm tired of life's worries!
I'm tired of life's pace!
It's mind numbing stories,
About the human race!
I'm tired of it's failures,
I'm tired of life's pain.
Beyond all sense and reason,
It's driving me insane!
I'm tired of life's testing
I'm tired of myself.
If I could find an ending,
I'd give all earthly wealth.
-19th November 2002-
Writer's note: No I didn't feel like dying, but I just felt a need to stop worrying for awhile.
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You're close
I feel your tender heartbeat,
Though you're far away.
For in my heart and in my mind,
You're always here to stay.
I hear your whispered callings,
Your sweet voice lullabies.
Not only when I'm dreaming,
I feel you all the time.
I see you in my dreams,
Whenever I close my eyes.
Sometimes they really seem,
So real instead of lies.
I sense that familiar smell,
That sooths my troubled soul.
Even though I know too well,
You'll never be that close.
-19th November 2002-
Writer's note: Dreaming again.
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Listen
Listen,
To the silence.
Reason,
For my madness.
Listen,
There is nothing.
Not even,
My heart screaming.
Listen,
It's the tone.
Season,
Of being alone.
-20th November 2002-
Writer's note: Inspired in part by my silent handphone.
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I hate calculus
I hate this freaking calculus,
I hate it more than accounts.
It makes me feel so useless,
Like an idiot who can't count.
I hate this freaking calculus,
With its DXs and DYs.
Why can't it be more jargon less,
And pleasing to the eye?
I hate this freaking calculus,
It is a waste of time.
It's like a stupid curse,
A cruel mind raping crime.
I hate this freaking calculus,
Its polynomials and asymptotes.
Its God-damned maximums and minimums,
I think, I'll never cope.
-20th November 2002-
Writer's note: Let me clarify that I don't HATE calculus. I just wrote this for fun, to express how difficult Calculus is to my retarded brain.
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The hunt
Send me the spear,
I'll hunt it down.
Fill it with fear,
With terror's frown.
Bring me the bow,
With arrows strung.
I'll capture it's soul
My victory's won.
There is no escape,
I am the lord of the hunt.
Surrender instead,
From your foolish stunt.
-23rd November 2002-
Writer's note: Imagination going wild again. Haha. Anyway, guess I played too much games at this point.
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-silence-
It is the dawn of the moon,
And I'm quitting all this poetry.
Not even a moment too soon,
I just can't dwell in this misery.
All the words of sorrow scribed,
All my thoughts and feelings penned.
And after all the tears I cried,
Nothing comes from it in the end.
A vow of silence I now take,
I'll never write more literature.
Until from sorrow I awake,
I'll only be a dreamer.
It has been a futile attempt,
For me to express me feelings.
My cry for love I now relent,
My own self was deceiving.
I never knew love could be so guile,
Made me the fool indeed.
And after I had tasted the bile,
True love is now my creed.
It is with much a heavy heart,
I now lay down my pen.
Until true love, I be a part,
I'll stay the hollow man.
-3rd December 2002-
Writer's note: I'll stop my poem writing here. As
the poem says, I find it too painful for me to keep this up... Thank you all so
much for spending you time to read my writings. The love that has inspired me to
write, I know I'll have no more. So for now, turn off the lights, come wait and
see tomorrow.
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If tomorrow doesn't rise
If the sun somehow forgets
To rise after it sets
If the moon and stars don't go
There's one thing you should know
There's much in life that I hold near
But few are such so dear
Fewer so precious in my eyes
That all I'd sacrifice
Just to have you close to me
And together always be
The one you love to kiss and hold
Who keeps you warm when cold
There is much more I'd love to say
But one I must today
If tomorrow doesn't rise
I'll still want you in my life
- 2nd January 2003 -
Writer's note: I should have known I couldn't stop writing.. here's more!
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IF
If you ever had a doubt
About my love for you
Hear me clear and loud
My love for you is true
If tomorrow doesn't wake
With Its bright shining sun
I'll be your light instead
I'll be your number one
If I ever get to prove
How much I love you so
Girl I'll make that move
I'll never let you go
But after all is done
I'll make my silent vow
I'll love you second to none
More than you'll ever know
- 12th January 2003 -
Writer's note: I wanted her to know, that If she ever felt unloved, I will be there.
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A stargazer's wish
I lie here on the rooftop
Watching the ink black sky
Then slowly one by one the pop
Like beautiful fireflies
They shimmer wink and glow
Their beauty unsurpassed
Even then I know
That this would not last
For when the morning sun arrives
It's light will drown them out
Into obscurity they dive
In a vanishing silent shout
I wish they'd never leave
The sky forever dark
And out of darkness they would weave
Their patterns and their marks
I wish the stars tonight
Will forever be my light
I wish I may I wish I might
Keep them always in sight
I wish you'd join me too
Together we'd admire
The starlight shining true
This is my one desire
- 13th January 2003 -
Writer's note: Some experiences are nice, but are nicer still when shared with someone you love.
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The dream
I smell the wondrous roses
Admire their radiant grace
Until my eye now closes
Separated from time and space
I now am slowly drifting
And slowly I realize
That now I'm surely dreaming
You're here, in front of my eyes
No words describe my joy
To see you face to face
My doubts are now destroyed
I run to your embrace
Steady as I near
My heart gives a gentle tug
I stop to quell my fears
I want that loving hug
Then I begin to see
To you I'm non-existent
Your eyes call out to me
Surely you would listen
I get down on my knees
And then profess my love
But like a passing breeze
my words did not deserve
Your emotions unrecognizable
Your gaze still sweet and calm
It seems that I'm invisible
Why don't you hear my psalm
I slowly circle by
Each moment hurting more
As now I understand why
The problem at its core
The truth remains the same
That surely I'm delusional
For in my dream I came
But there was no receptional
For this is but a dream
A fantasy in my sleep
And no matter what might seem
You're still not mine to keep
Now I understand
The meaning of love unconditional
For I wish to be your man
But I'm not the one exceptional
I love you so very much
More than you'll ever know
But life and truth is such
That sometimes we must let go
For there I see true love
In willingness to accept
The truth that now my dove
You were never mine to be kept
In all I'll still be waiting
For maybe I've made a mistake
What future brings I'm hoping
For love I now awake
- 17th January 2003 -
Writer's note: Definitely the longest one I've ever written so far, during my spare time in an English exam.
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Waiting for you
I sit here out my window
Staring at the sky
Wishing somewhere down below
You'd hear my lullaby
The memories of vacant days
Come flooding in my mind
But now for sure I know you may
Return my love in kind
As I watch the candles burn
I give you now my promise
I'll wait my love for your return
Till time itself shall cease
- 23rd January 2003 -
Writer's note: Out my balcony, strumming and singing some love songs, wishing someday, I can do the same, but with her beside me. At this time things were heating up again (or at least I thought the were) and I was truly happy.
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Revealed
How come I never saw
The love within your eyes
My life was such a bore
Forever filled with sighs
Until the day I knew
That there was love for me
The reasons seemed so few
That love could ever be
But now I truly see
For us there is still hope
The love I felt from you to me
Never was a joke
The happiness I feel
In words I cannot pen
Just know I love you still
Forever till the end.
- 30th January 2003 -
Writer's note: I had really let it get up my head, haha I really thought that this time, it was for real.
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A proposal
Never once did I foresee
The feelings inside you had for me
I always thought I'll never be
Your fascinating cup of tea
Who knows I may yet have the chance
To hold you gently in my hands
And if this were our one last dance
I'll ask you now before it ends
I fear the sting that you'll decline
But I shall now not waste more time
So on this lovely valentine
My love, by grace be thou art mine?
My words in ink I have them penned
My letter sealed my greetings sent
I hope and wish for your consent
Know this, I'll love you till the end
- 30th January 2003 -
Writer's note: Got this out for valentine's day... but she never received it I guess. I posted the letter, but she said she never got it. Truth or lie, oh well, things just went downhill from here.
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The night the stars shone brighter
The night I was with you
That night I had much laughter
The night's I thought of you
Those nights the stars shone brighter
- 31st January 2003 -
Writer's note: Was remembering time spent with her, and realized things are more beautiful when you're in love.
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Maybe
Maybe if I took that chance
Then maybe you'd be in my hands
And maybe If I didn't procrastinate
Well maybe we'd make the perfect date
But maybe if I was impatient
Then maybe I was consolation
And maybe things might have turned out bad
Cause' maybe you were just my fad
Now maybe, since things have settled down
Well maybe now you'd lose that frown
And maybe we'll be happy together
So maybe things now are for the better
- 6th February 2003 -
Writer's note: I was wondering if things have finally turned for the better.
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I'm already here
If you ever need a hug
Or just someone to bug
If you want a listening ear
Well, I'm already here
If you ever need to talk
Or just one with to walk
If there's a need to calm your fears
Hey, I'm already here
If you ever need to cry
Or one with you to sigh
Or just someone to dry your tears
Girl, I'm already here
But if there's more than sorrow share
Like joy and laughter, love and care
I'll surely be the one to cheer
For I'm already here
- 8th February 2003 -
Writer's note: A repeat of an earlier theme, where I wanted her to know that I would be there for her.
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More than a dream come true
If I never get to say
How much I treasure you
Just know princess for sure today
You're more than a dream come true
If sometimes I forget to mention
When there's too much to do
Just know princess in all creation
You're more than a dream come true
If sometimes I can't be close
When things just seen to blue
Just know princess you're the one I chose
You're more than a dream come true
- 8th February 2003 -
Writer's note: I never got the chance to tell her that I loved her, face to face. How sad.
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Measure forever
If somehow you figure
A way to measure forever
Then you'll know for sure
How much, you, I treasure
- 9th February 2003 -
Writer's note: I felt like I'd love her till infinity.
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The twilight candle
The twilight candle is burning
I'm staring at its flame
In the wind it's dancing
Like children in the rain
The twilight candle is burning
It inspires me to write
And in this darkness blinding
It is my shining light
The twilight candle is burning
Each night won't be without
Until my love's returning
And then, I'll put it out
- 9th February 2003 -
Writer's note: I used to spend a lot of time outside at my "favourite balcony" writing poems under candle light, Hence the "twilight candle". Cause whenever it's burning, I'm usually writing and thinking of someone.
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Amazed
Sometimes I'm still amazed
When I think of me and you
My mind is still quite dazed
That you could want me too
Sometimes I'm still amazed
That you're back here in my hands
On what this love is based
I guess love makes no sense
Sometimes I'm still amazed
Of the thought that we're together
Maybe persistence pays
I pray this lasts forever
- 10th February 2003 -
Writer's note: For some short weeks, we seemed headed back together.
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Precious
Precious are your wild antics
Precious what you do for kicks
Precious is your lovely gaze
Precious is how you keep me dazed
Precious is your warm embrace
Precious is how you're filled with grace
Precious is your love and care
Precious is how, you're always ready to share
Precious are the times we talked
Precious are the moonlit walks
Precious is our time together
Precious in my mind forever
Precious is your complexity
Precious also your ethereal beauty
Precious are your special talents
Precious you are, God's gift from heaven
Precious is how you bring me happiness
Precious always is your loveliness
Precious is how you are so creative
Precious is how you are innovative
Precious are the times you cry
Precious are the times you sigh
Precious is your joyous laughter
Precious is your wide smile after
Precious are the times you say
Precious, I missed you today
Precious is everything you do
Precious I hope, I can always be there too
Precious you are, because you're you
Precious because, your love is true
Precious is what you are to me
Precious is what, you'll always be
- 10th February 2003 -
Writer's note: I wrote this as a E-valentine's day card, made by me for Valentine's day, for my precious ^_^. Just in case the Real card I sent through mail didn't arrive (and it didn't). I have lost the HTML files and the link for that E-Card however, so I'll just put the poem up here. Panicked cuz I thought I lost it. Haha, fortnately, I have the hadwritten copy stashed somewhere.
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A precious moment
Oh what a precious moment
It was to hear your voice
Trade anything I wouldn't
It made my heart rejoice!
- 17th February 2003 -
Writer's note: She called me, on valentines day. I was so overjoyed I couldn't write anything.
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Our love song
If love songs are for lovers
Then lovers we should be
Then love songs, hugs and kisses
And more you'll get from me
Help me to write our love song
Help me through each day
My love for you is so strong
My heart I must obey
Help me complete the circle
Of love with you today
Together be a couple
Together always stay
And when we've sung our love song
We'll write much more each day
Singing our whole life long
Forever, come what may
- 25th February 2003 -
Writer's note: How I wish I could write love songs.
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How can I forget
How can I forget you
If everything rewinds
When everything I do
Brings you back in my mind
The time I go to sleep
Times I have insomnia
Even on my trips
To good old Kinokuniya
The simple things I do
Like defragging the computer
Even bowling too
Or driving past your area
The songs that play on air
Just the mention of Australia
Comments about my hair
Your lipstick stain's a killer
Even my favourite Slurpee
Or television series
Any Pomelo tree
Brings back all the memories
When someone orders coke
Or maybe even Lasagna
A mention of a rope
Brings back the Kidnap saga
The common color blue
Just the thought of a princess
Sometimes Genting too
Or when someone's depressed
So how can I forget you
I think I never will
And since there's nothing I can do
I'll always remember you still
- 5th March 2003 -
Writer's note: Once again I was cut off. Friends tell me to forget her, but I find it so difficult.
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Silent hello and goodbye
A silent kiss
A silent hug
O how I miss
You loving heart
A silent song
A silent gaze
Oh how I long
For your embrace
A silent sigh
A silent wave
I cannot lie
I miss your face
A silent choke
A silent tear
Why can't I cope
When you're not near
A silent turn
A silent bye
If you return
I'll still say hi
- 5th March 2003 -
Writer's note: No replies from her. I was down again, but this time, I decided I'd not bug her so much anymore. Just leave her alone, and say my silent goodbyes.
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I am satisfied
For all the doubts that I was weighing
Truth distortions they belied
But to hear you talking laughing
Just that I'm satisfied
- 16th March 2003 -
Writer's note: Can't really remember why I wrote this, perhaps I called her, or she called me (unlikely... haha)
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A lonely night's wish
I wish in all possibility that you could be here
So I could tell you just how much I really miss you
I also wish that maybe you could just hear
The thoughts running in my mind, things I'd do for you
I wish right now I had your company
Just the two of us side by side
Together sitting at my favourite balcony
Just admiring the beautiful starry night
I wish for once that we could really be together
And spend some time in each other's arms
Then I'd wish the moment would last forever
So much I wish and hope that reality it becomes
- 16th March 2003 -
Writer's note: ((sigh))... wishes.
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SHE
Sometimes people ask
What I look for in a girl
Answering is quite a task
I can't tell Jane from Jill
But one thing comes to mind
When passed this common question
Everything you find
About her is my passion
She is everything there is
For me to really admire
If I could have her kiss
My heart would be on fire!
As simple it may seem
There surely is no other
My love has but one theme
And SHE is the answer
-19th March 2003 -
Writer's note: She seemed so perfect to me, I never really asked myself why I loved her so much.
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Pointless
Why cry a river
When no one dries your tears
Why shake and shiver
When no one hears your fears
Why scream and holler
When no one hears your voice
Why strike out in anger
When you now have a choice
- 8th April 2003 -
Writer's note: We all have a choice to move on.
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My precious
My precious doesn't want me
My precious isn't fair
My precious won't sit beside me
Her feelings she won't share
My precious always ignores me
My precious doesn't care
My precious doesn't feel for me
Or let me just be there
My precious now despises me
My precious is confusing
My precious sometimes calls for me
Just to give me a good dousing
But my precious is still a part of me
My precious she must know
My precious for all eternity
She, I won't let go
- 22nd April 2003 -
Writer's note: Wrote this to express how I felt about her conflicting responses.
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The pain at the cross
Why should I suffer for human gain?
Why the terror of crucifixion's pain?
Father, please remove this glass.
Father, why Me to bear the task?
These ungrateful humans, tainted with sin.
How great! If sinless, they might have been.
But why the sacrifice of your own Son,
Just to
redeem what man has done?
Father, see My sweat of blood.
Father, hear and feel rejection's hurt.
Yet Father, I'm still your obedient Son
Not My will, but Yours be done.
- 20th May 2003 -
Writer's note: After feeling the pai of rejection, I began to understand the emotional weight of Jesus's sacrifice.
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I promise
I promise now to love you
I promise to adore
I promise you in all I do
I'll love you even more
I promise to appreciate
Your beauty that's within
I promise I will not be fake
I promise to come clean
I promise to be patient
Though times may be disaster
I promise to be constant
Come what may long after
I promise you forever
By your side I'll always be
Walk away I promise never
If you would just accept me.
- 20th April 2003 -
Writer's note: If she would have just accepted me, just given me the time, I'd have given my all to make her happy. Guess that's not quite right, but that was how I felt.
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Please don't make me leave
Why won't you accept my love
Why won't you receive
Why are my hints being pushed above
Please don't make me leave
What makes you think I'm not your match
What's the problem I don't see?
What in your deal is the big catch
Please don't make me leave
When will you really open up
When will you take the love I give
When will you call to ask what's up
Please don't make me leave
Who can be the one for you
Who is the person I have to be
Who, with a look will your heart pierce through
Please don't make me leave
How can I convince you know
How can I make you believe
How can I love you, show me how
Please don't make me leave
- 3rd May 2003 -
Writer's note: I really didn't want to give up on her.
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Crossroads
I stand here at the crossroad in my journey
I'm wondering which path to take
For my indecisiveness I ask for mercy
But now, what choice should I make
Many have pointed me down the first road
Yet some have showed me the other
The pressures are an unbearable load
And their advice just makes my choice harder
A million possibilities whiz through my brain
Results of what I might yet do
But all this foresight, what is to gain
Just more confusion not yet true
I sit down at the crossroad of my journey
I refuse to take a single step
For until love leaves so surely
I'll be waiting for it to walk me back
- 9th October 2003 -
Writer's note: My own version of "The road not taken" perhaps? haha. Was about to make a decison to move on, but decided to wait instead.
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Steps
A step back into darkness
I fade away tonight
Confusion and the blindness
I cannot find my light
Wondering lost in thought
Of worries in my life
Wondering if all I fought
Were pointless claims of strife
A step into oblivion
And then a step back out
Trying to differentiate illusion
From reality's dying shout
I stop, I pause to see
I'm aimless like a cloud
Why pay decisions fee
I'll sit, and wait it out
- 29th July 2003 -
Writer's note: Themed like the above poem.
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Time is running out
Time is running out
The sun is setting in its golden hue
Time is running out
I'm beginning to have second thoughts about you
Time is running out
The candle has burnt itself away
Time is running out
I don't know hw much longer I can stay
Time is running out
The elements are converging in a final shout
Time is running out
Can we remain? I wonder and doubt
Time is running out
The tides of life are changing again
Time is running out
A strand of hope still keeps me sane
Time is running out
The countdown to the end has begun
Time is running out
And when it does, away, I'll run
- 29th September 2003 -
Writer's note: I had set a dateline for her to respond, that if by the end of the year she was still so cold towards me, I would move on.
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The death of a hero
He unsheathes his trusted
Light catches his blade
Its steel not rusted
Razor sharp edge
He turns to look
At his brothers strong
A war cry shook
The silent song
In a flashing light
He swings his sword
And at that sight
They charge the fort
The clashing resounds
Across the valley
Blood meets the ground
As each seek victory
Left and right
He cuts them down
Our hero's might
Deserved no frown
The battle rages
For hours end
Some pay the wages
As the heat is fanned
An archer stings
Lets loose his arrow
Our hero blinks
Pierced flesh, bone, marrow
His armor pierced
His mind is stunned
In anger's curse
All caution shunned
He charges on
As his life ebbs
Then falls upon
The enemy's steps
The battle continues
To uncertainty
But today we lose
Our hero. Me.
- 9th October 2003 -
Writer's note: Movie influence, but this also reflects my inner struggle, to stay true to her even though she's not saying anything, or to move on. The blindness of my decision was killing me.
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Don't turn around
WitcHBladE wrote:
Don't turn around
Just keep on walking away
Away from me
Away from the hurt
Away from everything
Don't turn around
Just keep on walking away
I dont want u to see me cry
To hear my heart break
To see the pain in my eyes
Don't turn around
Just keep on walking away
Don't turn around
I might ask u to stay
Don't turn around
It's easier to say goodbye this way
Shazwina Sabri
051103
Andrew wrote:
I'm not turning around
I'm not walking away
Away from you
Away from the hurt
Away from everything
I'm not turning around
I wont just walk away
Please don't make me cry
It hurts to hear you sigh
The tears in your eyes don't lie
I've never turned
I was never walking away
When will you learn
I am here to stay
It's you that must return
Don't say goodbye this way...
Andrew Tan
051103
- 5th November 2003 -
Writer's note: My friend Shazwina posted her piece on Friendster, So I typed a reply. I liked it so much, I asked her (and got permission) to post both of them here = )
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A never ending
cycle
Another cycle starts
Before I'm even ready
Circles missing parts
Days vanished in memory
Everyone moves on
Following their path
Gliding down the don
Holding none the past
I cannot understand
Just how they let it go
Knowing in the end
Love comes to haunt us all
Maybe there's a secret
Now maybe there's a key
One magic word or trinket
Please give it now to me
Queer as it may sound
Rash as I may be
Sometimes things come around
Turning eternally
Until we exit this loop
Veer off from the flattery
We'll always be a droop
Xenon torches without battery
Yearning for the truth
Zealous without victory
- 7th November 2003 -
Writer's note: This is just an experiment gone awry. Was trying to write an Acrostic poem... he he. See it noted too often in the book of Psalms in the Bible, And though I'd just try =D
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You are not
Now I am here
It's the end of the game, the things for which I fought
And I am here
It's the end of the line, the race, The ending spot
So I am here
Now there's nobody left, I am what's all I've got
Cause I am here
But at the end of the Journey, You are not.
- 15th December 2003 -
Writer's note: The end is nigh.
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Encouragement
If you ever feel discouraged
Or simply downright sad
I hope this will encourage
And fix a day gone bad
Think happy thoughts and you can fly
I always tell my friends
When you feel down and start to cry
Remember you're in Gods hands
When pressure overwhelms you
And answers seem so far
Remember Christ will see you through
No matter where you are
When everything turns upside down
And you can't find your way
Smile! come on, lose that frown
Love, JOY, Peace, Okay?
When loneliness creeps in
And no one understands
Remember there's always Him
The one with nail pierced hands
When facing difficulties
In life's long arduous journey
Try using "help me please"
And people will! It's funny.
If your shoulders cannot carry
The burdens that you bear
Toss them to God. HURRY
God wants you to share
When confusion causes blindness
And everything is vague
Confess that God is brightness
He'll wash the dark away
I cannot touch all issues
That may affect your world
But I pray to our Lord Jesus
And I know he'll guide you girl.
Just don't forget our Savior
Whose here with us to stay
Remember there's no one better
To spend forever, everyday
March 2004
Writer's note: Wrote this for Sharlene Teh's Autograph book. Was wondering what to write, then the words just came... I like this.
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There is no Precious
There is no precious
There is no more
There is no precious
It's all folklore
There is no precious
For all to see
There is no precious
No one but me
There is no precious
It's sad but true
There is no precious
Heart breaking too
There is no precious
She doesn't exist
There is no precious
A ghost in mist
There is no precious
At least for now
There is no precious
The future tells
There is no precious
Whatever they say
There is no precious
All lies, no way
There is no precious
Don't ask me who
There is no precious
Could it be you?
There is no precious
Come back tomorrow
There is no precious
Updates to follow =D
12th April 2004
Writer's note: Had to write something new to put under "My Precious" section, and this came out.
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Exams
Exams can be depressing
Why are they such a curse
You can do all the studying
But yet your bubble bursts
Everything falls apart
And again you're left behind
Why not the passing mark
Why can't they be more kind
You could really try your best
And it still wouldn't be enough
It's not like you've worked less
Sometimes it's luck that's tough
Make some dumb mistake
And everything just crumbles
Oh what really does it take
I'm gonna lose my marbles
If you're thinking I'm depressed
Then have one worry less
Its not me that gets so sad
But others get hit bad
They are so pressured for perfection
That failure sparks reaction
Be it from within
Or teachers, friends and kin
For these people I often wonder
If there's anything I could offer
To help them ease the pain
Or maybe just keep them sane
Are there words of wisdom?
May I pen them in a poem?
That will work like penicillin
And wipe their worries clean?
No solution can be found
Nothing I can put down
Beyond all earthly answers
I can only offer them my prayers
That's my divine solution
With that, a perfect conclusion
Now leave me alone to wonder
Why I worry so much for others
20th May 2004
Writer's note: I failed one paper in my final exam for my diploma,
Which means I can't graduate... Then I get reminded of how some of my friends face real pressures in
their studies. Unlike me. This is for you... people.
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I Float
I am distracted
Like light refracted
I can't think straight
My muddled head
There's something new
Refreshing dew
My angle's changed
A wide big range
I'm no more bound
I'm up from down
I'm moving freely
Speeding silly
It feels so good
And nice to boot
To leave my burden
The past, the olden
I'm floating high
No limit shy
The sky is blue
The divine hue
But what's that sound
A hole is found
Oh how accursed
My bubble's burst
I'm heading downward
But I'm no coward
I try my best
To fix this mess
I've lost all power
I see sparks shower
There's no propulsion
No steered direction
It's time to bail
Everything's failed
Once again
In my domain
I have no choice
My inner voice
Jump! It sings
And spread your wings
I peer the edge
I spot a hedge
It's looming closer
It's now or never
I take a leap
I do a flip
And then I float
Just like a boat
Up in the sky
I wonder why
But some things are better
Answered later
I'm lying motionless
I'm being cautious
I want the groove
But dare not move
I can't decide
Though I tried
To push my luck
Or remain stuck
I want to fly
I start to cry
Tear drops falling
Like it's raining
I guess today
I can only say
Be safe and sound
Than falling down
This situation
Brings one petition
Meet me halfway
Find me today
'Ne plus ultra'
Though you're still far
I want to be
Right there, you see.
Search me now
Tell me how
Please descend
And hold my hand
Together then
Compose a plan
To pull me right
Up by your side
Think about it
If I'm worth it
And if you care
I'm halfway there.
It's up to you
To take the cue
To join us both
Cause I'm stuck, afloat
22nd May 2004
Writer's note: I meant this to be cryptic... But towards the end, It all spilled out... Hahaha. Anyways, this poem is a picture, as well as a reflection of my emotions. That's why it's pretty long.
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I Watch
I watch as she goes by
I watch her as she cries
I watch the hurt she hides
I watch the hidden side
I watch them as they quarrel
I watch but I don't meddle
I watch their closeness grow
I watch their true love show
I watch him as he stumbles
I watch as his will crumbles
I watch him clawing back
I watch him with respect
I watch in observation
I watch but take no action
I watch but no one knows
I watch here in my shadows
24th May 2004
Writer's note: A sequel to "I Float" maybe? Hahaha. I just noticed that I observe many things... Ignorance is NOT bliss. I would vent more here, but nevermind. Maybe another day.
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She Is Gone
She is gone
I still can't look away
Broken and torn
But I still wish I could stay
She is lost
Not in the world, but in my heart
Paid the cost
Yet we're still apart
She is past
Though memories dwell within me
Future is vast
Is there more that I can be?
She has vanished
When there's much more to speak
My words tarnished
My promises I couldn't keep
24th May 2004
Writer's note: I re-read all my poems, and realised... after these few years, much of the words I penned have become quite redundant. I could keep those promises. Without a doubt my stubborn me could. But I guess, I cannot dwell in the past. It's time to move on. Putting it down in writing makes me really sad. Time for another sad lonely night.
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I hope you're happy now
I hope you're happy now
I will let go somehow
I understand rejection
I think I'll lose my passion
I hope you're happy now
I cannot cry out foul
I wanted to take the risk
I have to bear all this
I hope you're happy now
I step back and take a bow
I turn and walk away
I wish you the best, and pray
24th May 2004
Writer's note: Arrrgh... doesn't feel good to keep writing like this.
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Why swimming heals
Bubbles bubbles, everywhere
Wobble bobble here and there
I'm calmly floating, arms not moving
Legs are still, I'm just de-stressing
Swimming heals a troubled mind
Swimming shuts all worries blind
Why is it so, I wondered earlier
Why the calm in surrounding water
And then a light bulb sparks alight
I figured it out, I must be bright!
Its the way the mind has to focus
When swimming there no room for hocus pocus
The mind concentrates on moving steady
The strokes, the kicks, the tandem body
This eats the oxygen in the blood
But breathing's sparse, half submerged
The brain gets less of it's bargain
The heart pumps faster to fill the drain
But still the mind has to concentrate
On swimming, or else you'd end up dead
And so, I think the brain shuts down
Unnecessary worries in your mental crown
Its energy is focused on staying alive
Be you swimming or taking a dive
You can say I'm brilliant or a fool
But remember this when you swim a pool
This is my theory, on why swimming heals
Now I wonder. How if we had gills?
24th May 2004
Writer's note: Went swimming to de-stress, and was wondering why it helps me relax.. haha.
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Stwinky's Stawrss
The original Poem is here:
When Brains Think Alike
Starkle Starkle little twink
High above the sky you blink
If shooting stars are sideways moving
Then stars that fall? Shiny droppings?
HAHAHAH.
"There's a palace up on the hill, really
There's a palace up on the hill !" Silly.
Abu makes the weirdest statements
Like some stand up comedian amusement
HEE HEE
Though time is short and quickly killed
There are many wishes not yet fulfilled
I guess it takes more that a thousand pains
To get things done, I wont complain
Are diamonds forever?
That makes me wonder
Replace the word with love and friendship
Now that's forever, beyond all hardship
Though I know how sucky this may sound
A different rendition by a linear rhyming clown
I hope this piracy won't make you angry
I was just bored. Haha, I'M SORRY
24th May 2004
Writer's note: Joanne wrote a poem for Sharlene's autograph book like I did (here). Anyways, I read it, and modified it. And here it is ! =D she asked me to post it on my webbie
cuz she finds it
hilarious... Do you? =D
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I want to say
I want to say
You look beautiful
You are wonderful
You are so cool
I want to ask
How are you doing?
Where's life rolling?
Why are you smiling?
I want to send
A card that towers
Many flowers
All the others
I want to show
My true feelings
What I'm thinking
Much more things
I want to be
Your number one
Steady and fun
But I just can't
-26th May 2004-
Writer's note: Ever had things you wanted to say, but couldn't? Be it because of myself, or the situation, I just will mysef to shut up. Guess I'm getting good at it. = )
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Kembang
I am elated
Head now bloated
Cause someone said
I rock today
It's something special
Though somewhat casual
Unlike my lyrics
Open for critics
But it feels nice
Great! To be precise
To make one laugh
With my writing craft
-26th May 2004-
Writer's note: Was just thinking of the word "kembang" that people use when they praise you... haha... And this poem came out of my left nostril. No... Not literally (duh). But really, never expected to make anyone laugh with my poems... except out of ridicule maybe.
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I can't sleep
(3.00 am)
What does one do when one can't sleep?
I am so tired, I really could weep
So many thoughts are messing my head
I can't ignore them, I can't go to bed
I'm thinking of games like Counterstrike
Of food and drinks, I want a bite
I'm thinking of people, and how they are
What are they doing, near or far
My brain is driven into overtime
As I ponder about the future, mine
Then things, like God and philosophy
Start cropping up and boggling me
Music and songs start endlessly ringing
All in my head, not my neighbour singing
Then comes thoughts about tomorrow
The plans, activities and things to follow
I toss and turn, but I'm still awake
But falling asleep, is no piece of cake
Sometimes, somehow, sleep still eludes me
I think I shall cut down on Tea
Addition:
(3.20 am)
I finish this in the early morning
My head is numb, and loudly aching
Then Justin Ng tells me "Listen to Jazz"
"Cuz it will surely save your Ass"
The strange thing about my fellow friends
Is all of them are same in a sense
At 3 in the morning they are online
They should be sleeping, and not wasting time!
The rhyming words are pouring like crazy
I'm so in the mood to write more poetry
But at what time, this hour forsaken
Should paragraphs, lines and verses happen
(3.40 am)
Finally now, after some surfing
The torrent of words have just stopped coming
I'm going to close this last paragraph
With a loud, sleepy, insane laugh
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! =D
More Addition:
(3.50 am)
Oh my goodness I'm adding more!
I wanted to stop, I said that before
But just as I'm done with this piece of crap
Streamyx goes down and I can't connect
I am cut off from the virtual world
I guess back to my bed I will curl
I hope that now an hour later
Sleep will come. The sooner the better
-26th May 2004-
Writer's note: Well, It's 4 am. I know, not that late (early) after all, but I really wanted to sleep early today. How cacatedified. Well, I think this utter weird poem was worth it... lol. Don't know why, I suddenly had a craving for CS, and Burger ayam special, and had all sort of thoughts "swimming" (in the words of my friend Alexandra, who was awake too) in my head. Oh well, I shall be more observant about the time when I take tea next time...haha. When I sent this to my friends who were online, Justin Ng replied "listen to Jazz, it will save your ass" And so I included it in! Haha. And then, when I finally concluded and wanted to upload this thing, Streamyx gets cut off... And I can't reconnect. Even after a reboot of the modem and PC. Crap. More lines. This turned out to be one massive poem... and so did the Writer's note... lol.
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It is raining
It is raining
The water pours
It is raining
The dark clouds fall
It is pouring
I hear the sound
It is pouring
Everything drowns
It is thundering
I see the flashes
It is thundering
I hear the crashes
It is drizzling
The heaven's tears
It is drizzling
The dark sky clears
It was raining
It was pouring
It was thundering
It was drizzling
It was perfect for sleeping.
27th May 2004
Writer's note: Well, It was raining pretty heavily all evening, And that was nice, so when i got up from my nap, I wrote a little something. ^_^
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Holding back
I want to write
But I will not
The paper's white
Stuck in thought
I want to say
But I'll stay muted
I can't today
My heart's not yielded
I want to sing
But I'm dragged down
By my feelings
I slowly drown
I want to tell
You, of my story
But what the hell
It's far too early
I want to love
I feel the lack
But I'm unnerved
I'm holding back
-31st May 2004-
Writer's note: Some things are better kept silent, till the right time comes. No?
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I feel
I feel, Accepted
I feel, Intoxicated
I feel, Affection
I feel, Attraction
I feel, Happiness
I feel, Calmness
I feel, Delight
I feel, Satisfied
I feel, My emotions
I feel, but I question
Is this not my imagination?
-2nd June 2004-
Writer's note: Ahhh... Feelings. Aren't they interesting at times? You can't differentiate what's real, and what's in your head. *With master Yoda voice* "Cloud your thought, your emotions will".
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Lays it all down
Ever chased the sunset
To find it still unreachable?
Ever wanted, something that
Never seemed obtainable?
Futile pursuits of man
What to can they amount
Their life, career planned
Then they go down for the count
Seeking fame and fortune
Each striving in their space
Singing to the tune
Of the entire human race
I feel often pressed
To join their endless droning
But I'm reminded there's
More to life than working
More to live and breath for
Besides to seek love lost
More than the grains of sand at the shore
For our lives were redeemed with a cost
Not for us to love it
But to live it for the Lord
Yet so many abuse it
Without a second thought
"Seek ye first The Kingdom"
"Of God and his righteousness"
Says the words of wisdom
In its plain truthfulness
"Then all these things" it says
"Will be added unto you"
I want to live my days
Claiming this promise true
At Your feet my Lord
I now lay it all down
For my battles, You have already fought
And won the Victor's crown
I know I can't go wrong
By making You priority
Just keep my spirit strong
Till we meet for all eternity
-2nd June 2004-
Writer's note: Well, I found the sentence "Lays it all down" From Joanne's blog very interesting, So I formulated some verses to fit it in, but halfway, I threw it all away and re-did it into this... haha. Not really good this one, But it's a good change of subject anyway. =D
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Breakfast alone
I'm eating breakfast
At 9 in the morning
My friends, they were here first
Now done with their eating
There are strangers around
So many of them
I hope none will frown
As I sit here and pen
I'm all alone
On this table for four
Still quite stoned
Sleepless night before
I pick all my food
And sit down and stare
Appetites not good
I'm cold everywhere
Then in the cafe
I realised I missed you
And I wonder today
If you missed me to
Do you?
-2nd June 2004-
Writer's note: So I was in Camerons, having my breakfast alone. And wonder of all wonders, I felt lonely... haha. So I scribbled something on the "comments" paper of the restaurant, and brought it back for publishing... haha
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Fatigue
Fatigue sets in
I'm feeling tired
The light are dim
My brain is unwired
My eyes are drooping
My body feels weak
My mind is sleeping
And so are my feet
I am beginning
To nod off to sleep
But I'm still trying
To stay awake, keep
-2nd June 2004-
Writer's note: I was so tired on the second day of the convention, I could barely keep awake, So I wrote this to try and keep my grey matter functioning, as well as express how
tired I was... haha.
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My thoughts are for you
Early in the morning
The grass still wet with dew
I watch the red sun rising
And find my thoughts are for you
When I'm making music
Or humming songs and tunes
With each love song picked
My thoughts are just for you
Walking in the mist
Or the blowing wind that's cool
I blow the sky a kiss
My thoughts are still for you
Cuddled in my bed
Under my covers too
One thing's in my head
My thoughts for love. Are you.
-4th June 2004-
Writer's note: This was inspired by Pastor Tom Inglis in Camerons when he mentioned something about the thoughts of God being for us. Then I realised, hey, nice sentence, "my thoughts are for you", so I scribbled this down =D
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Forgotten words
I had a poem, on the way down
In my head, as I was nearing town
The title was this, "The linear rhyming clown"
But I didn't note it, and all I'm left is a puzzled frown
-5th June 2004-
Writer's note: I had an interesting poem in my head on the way back from Camerons, But by the time I got home, I had forgotten bits and pieces of it, And couldn't make it rhyme right anymore. Out of frustration, I wrote this! haha. Sigh.... Next time, I will just write it down on my cheek or something.
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A prayer of thanksgiving
Thank You Lord for sunshine
Its beauty to be seen
Thank You for the sour limes
The fruits and plants all green
Thank You for the starry skies
The moon to light the night
Thank You for the birds that fly
Up high and out of sight
Thank You for the creatures
The mammals and insects
The amphibians with strange features
The fishes in the depths
Thank You Lord for friends
For my relatives and neighbours
Thank you for their caring hands
Their warmth and loving kindness
Thank You for technology
The wonders of advancement
Thank You for variety
The vastness of creation
Thank You for the sound of waves
That music we can hear
For operas, acts and plays
And voices that ring clear
Thank You for the wind and rain
The hot or stormy weather
The patters on my window pane
The sound of falling water
Thank You for the seasons
The lovely spring and summer
The magic of leaves fallen
In autumn and the winter
Thank You for my body
My ears, mouth, eyes and nose
The wonder of my anatomy
My fingers limbs and toes
Thank You God for vision
And the fragrance I can smell
Thank you for the sensation
Of touch and taste as well
Thank You God for the ability
For us to think and reason
Thank You for our creativity
For all our skills and wisdom
Thank You for emotions
The feeling of joy and sadness
For fears, and not to mention
Anger, love and brokenness
Thank You for salvation
The power of Your blood
Thank You for redemption
And the guidance of Your Word
Thank You God for life
That I can live and breathe
Thank You my Lord Jesus Christ
In You I can find peace
Thank You God for destiny
That we all have a plan
Thank You God for making me
Just the way I am
Amen
-7th June 2004-
Writer's note: Pastor Tom Ingles mention the word "Destiny", And so I wrote a paragraph on it. Later I moved it to the bottom, and added more lines and verses.
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I fall apart
Should I spend forever waiting?
For be there hope of loves returning?
My love, the truth, it isn't ended
It's only something upon what I've decided
I scream and pour a million tears
O how I weep, but then, who hears?
Although I know this isn't right
I still hang on with all my might
Like shattered glass, my love's unmended
Oh pain and sorrow of my heart rended
I'm on my knees, I've lost all hope
What's there to live, It's all a joke
Why couldn't I? Why? Tell me why?
Why wasn't I? Why? WHY!!!? I cry
Was it too much to ask for the kindness
Of letting me be your joy, your happiness?
I'm hurt, and everywhere around I'm wounded
By thoughts and memories and questions unanswered
But in the pain, know I still care
So much for you, It's too unfair
Why can't I forget, why can't I let go
But do you care at all? Do you? NO!
I'm angry, frustrated. My time's being wasted
I'm trying my best not to stray into hatred
What suffering it is to feel everything empty
There's no one to love. There's no one but me
And yet in the misery, I'm all alone
No matter what kindness and care may be shown
For deep down inside, I'm missing a part
Of me, of her, of love and my heart
It's not coming back. It's just not possible
The pieces I lack, are they replaceable?
I'd rather die, than spend forever waiting
For it hurts to much, beyond describing
Broken pieces and missing parts
Still none but me, to put back the shards
The pieces of me, I pick as I tremble
The broken me, I start to assemble
Then like an imaginary house of cards
I break down again, I fall apart...
Again, I fall apart...
Again, I fall apart...
Again, I fall apart...
Again, I fall apart....
-9th June 2004-
Writer's note: Ouch. *sniff* Sigh. Tried to sleep, then this brilliance of a masterpiece (at least I think it is...) comes to me. I started out quite positively.... quite... But then immediately as I hit the second stanza, It all fell apart. I fell apart. Sigh...
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Idol madness
Madness, driving madness
Of people waiting up in line
Madness, too much madness
When will the turn be mine
Boredom, absolute boredom
I've spent my whole day waiting
Boredom, utter boredom
I still haven't done any singing
Dry, the air is dry
It makes me parched with thirst
Dry, my eyes are dry
Wearing contacts in Air-con is a curse
Time, wasted time
I've been here since 3 in the afternoon
Time, passing time
It's going to be 8 pm soon
Noise, surrounding noise
It's deafening to the ears
Noise, unceasing noise
When will this raucous crowd clear
Alone, I'm alone
Yet it feels better this way
Alone, performing alone
Ahh, sweet success ends the day
-9th June 2004-
Writer's note: So I went for Malaysian Idol... Managed to get past the first round so far. I spent 2 hours lining up just to get in, and another 5 hours waiting for my turn to sing. Can you imagine the madness an boredom of that? And to top it off, I'm all alone... haha. I think the only worse time I can think of is during my driving exam... ahhaha. another long wait that one, and no air-con too.
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Doors wide closed
I see a light
Approach with fright
What's up ahead?
I'm filled with dread
I look outside
Door's open wide
But step back in
I'm determined
I grab the handle
I will not gamble
My heart again
Enough of pain
I pull it shut
A whispered thud
Once open, closed
One threat, less posed
I see another
Just down further
And do the same
Won't play this game
So one by one
Leave open, none
I close them all
Around the hall
The last one sealed
The gaps all filled
I'm satisfied
Well, not. I lied
In actual fact
As I step back
In the darkness
Is just aloneness
I wander around
And hear the sound
People passing
Some are talking
I hear their dreams
Observe their sins
But stay detached
Behind doors latched
Yet I wonder
If it's better
To run outside
Enjoy life's ride
I then decide
I'd rather hide
In this great hall
Dark silent walls
I will instead
Sit here and wait
Till someone knocks
Or tries the locks
Then I'll open
Then I'll show them
What lies inside
Nothing to hide
God knows that there's
Someone who cares
I'm waiting for
Behind the door
-11th June 2004-
Writer's note: Quite like the way this poem turned out. Ever felt like locking yourself in your room? Hahahaha. Well, for whatever reason, this is something like that. Was pretty strict
with he syllable count. All except 1 line has got 4 syllables I think =D.
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I run away
My heart is beating fast
It's driving up a storm inside me
I wonder if I'm up to the task
If I have the courage, to break free
I shoot a glance behind
I see it, I hear it bearing down
I know I'm out of time
A way out must be found
My feet dig into the earth
Dust flies everywhere
Each muscle pushed above
What they were made to bear
Hands reach for the invisible
And pull back with each stride
I'm moving on the double
Straining all my might
Obstacles appear before me
All were quickly hurdled
But there was one I did not see
I tripped, and then I stumbled
A rolling ball of dirt
Of sweat and bone and flesh
Torn open wounds with blood
Into the ground I crash
My head is spinning crazy
I'm disoriented and confused
Then slowly it comes back to me
This race I must no lose
For if I fall behind
It will swallow up my life
And so make up my mind
To get out of this alive
I pull me back again
Back up on my two feet
I feel the searing pain
But now I can't be weak
The past will always haunt me
But I refuse to stay
Reborn I want to be
And so, I run away
-16th June 2004-
Writer's note: Well... today as I was driving to a movie, the words "I run away" just came in my mind. And I formulated a poem outline in my mind, about running away from temptation, running away from open doors, running away from love... stuff like that. But after watching the movie (The Punisher) I decided to write on running away from the past. Although The focus of the poem is more on the running part (haha), I meant to depict how sometimes, the past never goes away. It stays to haunt us, and all we can do is to keep on going. Quote from the punisher : " We can never forget our sad memories, but we can make new happy ones. "
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Pretense
Is everyone pretending?
Is anything ever real?
Is there ever and ending?
When on deception's trail
I say yes, You say no
Our choices so divided
I say maybe. You say so?
Yet out hearts have actually decided
Some may call it tactful
Some, It's being sensitive
Some just want to be careful
So who can I believe?
Man, made complicated
With feelings and emotions
With love and hate created
It's no wonder we take caution
When we approach each other
We all lie in a sense
We often hide true colours
Behind our own pretense
I guess there's no escape
It's just a way of living
Until the truth in them awakes
I guess I'll just keep questioning
-16th June 2004-
Writer's note: People often hide so many things don't they? It's particularly... uhh... unsettling, when some of what they're hiding accidentally leaks out, Or you just get that gut feeling about something, someone... hahaha.... Then you spend the rest of your time wondering, observing, listening, questioning, assuming... JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.... Nasty. I hate it when I catch myself doing that. But I guess, it happens to often.
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I wish, for awhile
I wish that she could see
I wish that she could hear
I wish that she would be
Right here with me to cheer
I wish that she could call
I wish that she would care
I wish, I'd give my all
This joy that she could share
I wish I'll make her proud
I wish I'll make her smile
I wish away the crowd
And just have her here, for awhile
-18th June 2004-
Writer's note: Wrote this one day during the Malaysian Idol elimination rounds. We spent so much time waiting, SO i decided to do some writing. haha.
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A tear drop
It appears, in my eyes
It appears, in my sighs
It gathers, undetected
It gathers, though unwanted
It pools, and blurs my vision
It pulls, the surface tension
And then it drops
It breaks free, held no more
It breaks free, by gravity's law
It rolls down, upon my cheeks
It rolls down, as I weep
It falls down, to the ground
It falls down, makes no sound
And there it bursts into a million sparkling diamonds
My tear drop
-18th June 2004-
Writer's note: Tried something new this time, Don't think it went too well though. Oh well, whatever.
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I would ask questions
I would ask
Why couldn't you instead
Just ask me to wait?
Was that too difficult to be said?
I would ask
Why did you stop replying?
Did you care when I was crying?
How come we stopped talking?
I would ask
Did you ever lie to me?
Cause I told the truth you see
What is it that I should be?
I would ask
Why couldn't we talk about it?
What got in the way, I don't see it?
Which way around, would you see fit?
I would ask
About your motives
What changed your mind, what gives?
How can you convince me to believe?
Then I would ask
If you still loved me
If you couldn't see
That we were meant to be
-18th June 2004-
** Extra! **
I Would Answer
(reply)
I couldn’t ask you to wait
It would be too unfair
The pain was too great
But I had to show no care
I couldn’t reply you
Didn’t want to give false hope
The tears wet my cheeks too
It was just as hard for me to cope
All the words spoken were true
I meant it from the depths of my heart
There was nothing wrong about you
But we just had to be apart
Words would never have been enough
To explain and reason it out
I can’t tell you why, it’s tough
Don’t have the answers to all your doubt
I didn’t have hidden motives
I sincerely loved and cared
Don’t know if your heart believes
But here’s my heart, open bared
Of course I love you still
I never stopped loving you
If only it was not against my will
I’d turn back time and start anew
Writer's note: Sharlene asked me what would I say if she came back to me, and I said I would ask questions. Difficult questions. Of course the poem isn't
exactly what I would ask, But it would be something like that. Haha. But who cares anyway. It's not going to happen, and I'm not expecting it to.
And sometimes I wonder if I actually want it to.
Writer's note 2 : Sharlene
wrote an excellent theoretical reply to the poem I wrote. Hahaha. Excellent
piece of work Sharlene!
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I'm so sad
I'm so sad
So sad that you all have to go
So sad this ends the show
So sad, I want you to know
I'm so sad
So sad you are leaving today
So sad we're going separate ways
So sad, I've nothing to say
I'm so sad
So sad I'm shedding tears
So sad that you're not here
So sad, that you I couldn't cheer
I'm so sad
So sad it's a disgrace
So sad I'm in this place
So sad, it's such a waste
-21st June 2004-
Writer's note: So I'm in the top 30 of Malaysian Idol. But so what? I'm not happy at all. I wish I could walk up to the judges and ask them why me, and why not the other better singers. I know so many are dying to be where I am, they put in so much effort, they tried so hard, and they sang so well. So much better than me. Yet, I messed up, and still got in. I really have to question why. Is it God's blessing? Sigh. God, why? It's so obviously unfair. I'm puzzled, boggled, confuzzled, and
totally downright sad that some of my friends, who I was really expecting to be in all the way, didn't make it. I know as a singer, they deserve more than this. I weep for them. I did. But now that I'm in, there's no turning back, and I must do my best, to prove the faith of the judges in me was worthwhile. I hope I can live up to the expectations of the organizers, my friends, my relatives, the viewers and my fellow contestants. Especially those that got eliminated before the top 30. You guys are the best. Farhen (Farah), this poem is for you. You will be my first Malaysian Idol too. No matter who wins.
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I want someone
I want someone to hug
Just to be close, snuggled together
I want someone to hug
Just to be close, hopefully forever
I want someone for company
Hand in hand, we'd walk the streets
I want someone for company
Hand in hand, in our movie seats
I want someone to call
To hear your voice, my day's been made
I want someone to call
To hear your voice, and make a date
I want someone to kiss
To feel your lips, upon my own
I want someone to kiss
To feel your lips, and yours alone
I want someone to love
But more than that, I want it to be true
I want someone to love
But more than that, I want it to be you
-25th June 2004-
Writer's note: Geeez. I think I'm starting to get desperate... hahahaha. I mean... Kiss? I don't even know how to kiss. HAHAHA. But anyways. Just thought I'd try and write something tonight. Writing poems is a good time killer!
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Frozen inside
Imagine if you will
My heart a vast big lake
Inside it is all filled
With love, successes, mistakes
Imagine now it's full
There's nary space for more
A release lever I now pull
And wait to hear the roar
Of a million gushing memories
Pouring out of my heart
A torrent of drowning seas
Tearing myself apart
The floodgates slowly open
But nothing seems to flow
Not drip or trickle even
What happened to the show?
I run over to see
What could be the problem
And then I find inside of me
Unknown, I have been frozen
A solid wall of coldness
Seals my soul within
Locked up in aloneness
A transparent glassy sheen
I close the gates again
For there's no use waiting
The hurts, the wounds, the pain
Will keep me cold, unfeeling
Until something, someone
Comes and melts my heart
Release myself I can't
I don't know where to start
How can I make new ones
When the old can't be forgotten
How can I love someone
When I'm cold inside and frozen
-25th June 2004-
Writer's note: For many years, I've conditioned myself to remain platonic. I wonder if it will affect me if I want to love again. Will I know how to love again? haha. Although this poem is actually more about memories, I found myself straying in thoughts towards the subject of love. Replace the subject matter of memories, with love, then imagine, then maybe you'll get what I mean.
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He's always there
He is my rock
Around the clock
He shows the way
When I'm astray
He is my light
He is my guide
He's gone before me
Yet still beside me
He keeps my tears
He quiets my fears
He paves the path
When times are rough
He always listens
He gives me wisdom
He gives me strength
When I am spent
He's always there
He always cares
He is none other
Than God, my Father
-27th June 2004-
Writer's note: Thought it be good to write about other subjects more often. So when I heard the words "He keeps my tears" in a song I heard, I immediately typed and saved it in my phone. Wrote this later at home haha.
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I stay silent
I don't know how to comfort
I've not been through what you suffered
But please know that I worry
When you are down or angry
And if there's something I could do
To help you shake the blues
Just let me know okay?
Or I could just stay out of the way
It's not that I care less
Believe me, I try my best
One thing's for sure, I'm imperfect
The comforting ability, I regrettably lack.
I pray that maybe someday
I can help you in some better way
For now, I can only listen
I hope you can understand my silence
-27th June 2004-
Writer's note: Well, too often I find myself silent when people share their troubles. Hahahha. It's irritating. To me at least. I hope my silence isn't misunderstood. As I once told a friend of mine, when I speak of what burdens me, I don't expect anyone to do anything about it. I just want a listening ear. I guess I end up applying that mentality when I'm on the receiving end too. Another facet of how my brain works I suppose. Hope no one gets offended.
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I folded straws
Under the dim lights
Of my favourite supper stalls
For a season, a familiar sight
Would be me, folding straws
So many have inquired
About my weird habit
What could have inspired
They never really stabbed it
But then again I never said
The truth when people asked
Why each straw was made
Was not an idle task
Nothing's what it seems
I do things for a reason
Not abrupt sudden whims
But focused with a mission
Each straw that I had folded
Represents my thoughts for her
Each circle that was completed
Was to count the nights I suffer
Though my friends were all around me
There was something else I missed
I was heartsick. Don't you see?
To love was all I wished
I wanted so much, her company
And not to be alone
And so, kept her in memory
Each time I was out, I fold
I know it does sound funny
What a weird thing to do
Who cares. I've stopped already
Still wondering? Get a clue
Under the dim lights
Of my favourite supper stalls
For a reason, was a familiar sight
For love, I folded straws
-30th June 2004-
Writer's note: Hahahaha. Those who mamak with me often last year, and the year before would remember me folding my straws. Even up till the beginning of this year. Some have asked me why, and I always brushed
their questions aside... "for fun" I would say. Well, guess there's no reason to hide now (was there one anyway? haha). I folded them to remember her whenever I was out with friends, cuz I always wished she could be there with me. Cacat. I even folded one in front of her once, when she was back on a holiday. But she never noticed. I guess. Well, nowadays I don't fold them anymore. But once in awhile, something, someone will bring her up in my mind. Don't be surprised if I suddenly reached for my straw. =D
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We're incomplete
Broken puzzles on the floor
Scattered pieces, wall to wall
This is my life, just one big mess
Reconstruction's quite a test
The many pieces, represent
Some things I've done, places I went
And still some are, quite unfulfilled
Unknown futures, plans that were killed
Forget my puzzle, lets look at you
Then check out others, all's the same too
We're all unfinished, still missing some
Pieces of life that wouldn't come
They never were there, they never were lost
Never were with us, just never was
These vanished pieces define who we are
Yet you can't find them, not near or far
You can stop looking, You'll never find it
Not stuck on your shoe, or under your seat
Not blown by the wind, or lost in the shadows
Left in the attic, or out in the meadows
You won't find it in love, won't find it in hate
Won't find it when eating, the sweetest of cakes
It's not in the money, or attaining fame
It's not good health, what a crying shame
There will always be, this missing piece
Because for earth, we do not exist
Only in heaven, when we're made perfect
Can we find the pieces that we lack
-1st July 2004-
Writer's note: Heard an interesting sentence in Youth CG today. It went like this: There will always be a missing piece in our life, Because we were made for heaven. Quickly noted it, and wrote a poem in the wee hours of the morning (when I seem to be able to spit words out best) Haha.
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The glowing screen of loneliness
Again I'm staring
At the glowing screen of loneliness
This is mind numbing
It's way past bedtime. Craziness
What brings me back?
There's no one now to chat with
Can't hit the sack
At what hour? It's the fifth
One thing to do
Besides tossing in the bed
Thinking of you
Makes me want to write instead
I cannot throw
These thoughts for you, or let it be
I wish you'd know
And be here to accompany me
I'll stop staring
At the glowing screen of loneliness
Back to trying
To fall asleep, and dream of happiness
-3rd July 2004-
Writer's note: I can't believe it. I can't sleep. It's 5 am and I'm wide awake. I can hear the early birds chirping... and even the Mosques are starting their early morning prayers. This is insane. Hahahahaha. Oh well... I've always wanted to write a poem on what I call "the glowing screen of loneliness"... The PC screen I stare at late at nights... haha. Had another subject in mind, but I think I'll keep that for another day, as my brain ain't fully functioning now.
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In ciphered writing
In ciphered writing
Still obscure
A hidden meaning
Hiding much more
So cryptic it is
A triple key
Should reveal lyrics
Worded for you and me
Not noticeable
An unknown lies
Quite invisible
And still so shy
Wait for a moment
Soon be it's unveiling
I'll make a major turn
Reasons to my poeming
-3rd July 2004-
Writer's note: Woo hoo hoo hahahahaha. Now this poem is really interesting. I had this brilliant idea while trying to sleep (and not being successful... again) a night ago, and suddenly tonight after writing three discarded useless sucky poems, I decided to try this concept. Really glad I managed to complete this. HAHAHAHAHA... Oh yeah... there's a real hidden message in this thing. Real. If you can figure it out, I'll buy you lunch/dinner at TGIF (I want Steak! Only for the first person who gets to me... in case everyone figures it out haha) *Feels proud of himself, and happy!* Just a clue. There are three major steps to deciphering this. Hee hee hee....
Writer's note 2: Okay, I think It's time to reveal the three keys to deciphering this poem. Step 1-> Cut stanza 2 and past in between stanza 3 and 4. Step 2-> Remove the blank lines between the stazas, making it a 16 line paragraph. Step 3-> Read diagonally, from top left to bottom right, the 1st alphabet of the 1st line, the second alphabet of the second line, etc till the 16th alphabet of the 16th line. Got it?
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Renewed
At first I thought we're juxtaposed
At first I thought, assumed, supposed
Self deception believed without
Thinking, shedding much a doubt
With open arms, embraced the chance
To try again, love's deadly trance
But then again I trip and fall
Crashing down, losing it all
I pick the scattered pieces up
And place then on my hands, up cupped
And then I toss them in the air
Cause frankly now, I don't care
I wonder if I've reached the end
Is there more in my life's plan
beyond the brokenness inside
Was there a purpose for all I tried
Let it be, I walk away
Let me be, unmolded clay
Let me try and start renewed
To seek, to find the love once knew
-15th July 2004-
Writer's note: Was digging through my old lecture notes packing up my stuff for house painting, and I
found a couple of undated poems which I wrote during lectures in college. This one's
postable, so here it is. I'll mark it as written today.
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Misread
Have I been misread?
I hope not
Have I been mislead?
I pray not
I've tried to hide
My emotions
I've tried to fight
And it worsened
I wished to protect
But I think I hurt
I wished not to neglect
But I think I spurned
I tried to be fair
To everyone
Yet now I can only care
For one.
-31st July 2004-
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Deep waters
The silent surface ripples
An occasional rising bubble
Are the glimpses I get to see
Of who you are to me
But these don't satisfy
When understanding you I try
The deep waters cry out loud
For me to find them out
I feel there is much more
Behind the mask you wore
Under the reflections
Is someone still kept hidden
I don't know if I am right
Uncertainty clouds my sight
And you remain unfathomable
Deep waters still unreadable
-2nd August 2004-
Writer's note: Hmmm. Some people are very mysterious no? I wish... there was less mystery sometimes. I wish, people would just show and tell who they are. I guess I 'pretend' quite often too. Haha, guilty. This poem leaves me in a
dilemma. I couldn't find a proper ending stanza, so I scrapped the ending at
left it at the 4th. When you come across a "deep water" kind of person, do you dive in to find out more, or should you stay and watch from the shore? *scratches head*
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A shell
The hottest chick
I ever saw
Made my heart skip
She had it all
The pretty face
And attitude
What lovely grace
And all was good
She had the walk
And wow, the body
Talked the talk
And sounded sexy
She had the flair
Of royalty
And had her hair
Done up perfectly
Her eyes were perfect
And all her features
Nothing lacked
She was a keeper
But then again
I do not know
If she had a brain
Or even a soul
I cannot tell
If what's outside
Is just a shell
Hiding the inside
-sometime in July 2004-
Writer's note: A smokin hot chick caught my eye one day, and I just wondered, if she could've been as beautiful on the inside, as well as the outside
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I surrender
A horde of sudden questions
Force me into silence
As revelations meet
I am forced into retreat
I sit there and I ponder
Listen and I wonder
Where exactly do I stand
Should I be part of the plan
Then more blank spots pour in
From people and within
As I start to justify
If there could be a you and I
I'm feeling hurt again
For no reason, there's just pain
I feel like I am grounded
Can't get closer, I'm dumbfounded
I'm drowning in self doubt
Me and myself, in a bout
I know I feel for you
But what else should I do
I know I stay unwavered
That doesn't mean I'm unaffected
I've placed trust in your hands
As slowly we start this dance
Each night I will remember
To keep us both in prayer
And if heaven does agree
There will always be, a you and me
-4th August 2004-
Writer's note: Dear God, I surrender all of this to you. Amen.
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Look here
I finally look again
Beyond my hearts big stain
What I see I like
I remember her every night
But she seems so distracted
She live unaffected
Is she already taken
Is it my imagination?
I've heard of love apart
And I guess it is quite hard
To hang on to the invisible
To feel for love intangible
But pardon my inquisition
Just hear me now my question
Who is it she seeks?
Why does he make her weep?
Is it worth the pain
To suffer for love's gain
I guess it must be so
Otherwise she would let go.
I finally look again
And now I feel the pain
I resign back to my seat
Cause our glances do not meet.
-4th August 2004-
Writer's note: Ever wanted somene to notice you?
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The moments before
The moments before
You walk out the door
Your heart beats fast
Each breath's a task
You're cold but sweat
Heart pumps, palms wet
You wonder why
You even try
Expectations
Other reasons
Push you where
You wouldn't dare
Support of friends
The cheering stands
All this and more
The moments before
-27th August 2004-
Writer's note: The moments before I step on stage. Wow... It's a real... scary experience.
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Love ya
"Love ya"
I heard those words today
And more than words can say
I've never felt this way
"Love ya"
Two simple groups of letters
Melts me like hot butter
Cuz it's the meaning that matters
"Love ya"
Means so much to me
Makes me head go dizzy
I think I'm going crazy
"Love ya"
To hear it come from you
Makes me want to say it too
And precious baby girl, I do
I loved you too.
-17th October 2004-
Writer's note: And I always will.
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Once again?
Once again I am confused
With nothing here to guide me
I'm feeling totally unamused
How confusing can love be
I want to closely feel for her
I dearly want to know
What really goes on deeper
Beyond the obvious shallows
I've launched a thousand volleys
But none have pierced the barrier
I've said a million sorrys
But things have not gotten any easier
She's sealed in like a shell
To touch I'm at a lost
Shored and dug in well
Her pursuers pay the cost
Once again I can't unlock
Her troubled heart and mind
Again I worry round the clock
A tape stuck in rewind
-18th October 2004-
Writer's note: Some experiences repeat themselves too many times. Perhaps it's because we never learn. Haha.
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Scattered
Scattered running thoughts
Scattered missing words
Scattered broken chords
Are asking to be heard
A minute seems a year
A year untold infinity
A rolling drop of tear
Vanished into obscurity
Near yet far away
Near yet can't be seen
Near you're here to stay
In my heart, that's what I mean
Decision has been made
Decision we agreed
Decision has been said
For now just once a week.
A leash put on to magic
A wall to slow progress
A right to do, but tragic
Love makes me depressed
Scattered scribbled lines
Scattered written verses
Scattered wandering minds
On You my trust stays focused
-18th October 2004-
Writer's note: A self imposed curfew of some sort made me quite unhappy. Haha. So I was wandering and wondering around, hence the scattered theme.
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There's someone precious
There's someone precious
I hold her near
In unabashness
I call her dear
One journey's end
And one beginning
All in God's hands
Placed in His blessing
Together now
Our steps begin
And if we bow
Let God's will win
In words cannot
My heart describe
So what's in thought
I will not scribe
Just know for sure
That once again
I've tasted forever
And now I'm changed.
-18th October 2004-
Writer's note: Don't think I need to explain this one. =D
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The greatest pain
The greatest pain is not a wound
Or a bullet to the chest
Not being crucified at noon
Or stung by a bee's whole nest
It's not measured by methods of torture
Or compared with blood that's spilled
Not being eaten alive by a vulture
That picks at your eyes till it's filled
It's not busted limbs that's crushed
Or a broken bone or two
Not being dragged around by a bus
Or five in-grown nails too.
It's not related to heat
Like being burnt to toast
Or a root canal for ten teeth
All at once if you'd like to boast
It's more painful than five ulcers
And ten more in the stomach
Your ears cut with blunt scissors
Or with a branding iron, marked
The greatest pain of all
Comes from within the heart
When you're left alone to fall
And there you break apart
-sometime in October 2004-
Writer's note: The greatest pain comes not from a physical wound, but an emotional one.
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Monochrome
Grey
Stuck between the monochrome of life
Lost my way
Scarlet runs, stabbed with a knife
Unsure
are the decisions I have to make
With fear
Black or white, each step I take
Stumble
Trip, balance, then a delayed fall
Crumble
I go limp breaking down these walls
Cry
Shouts of pain and confusion ring
Why
Does pain and happiness love bring
Trust
I hold your hand and I believe
Just ask
And all to make you happy, I will give
-sometime in October 2004-
Writer's note: I don't like making decisions. Do you? Walking the fence is usually the easiest way out.
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Unexplainable
Unexplainable
Phenomena
Uncontainable
Euphoria
What pure emotions
Can truly describe
The soothing motions
Of love in sight
In each arms
Is found a lover
Calling "come"
"Rest on my shoulder"
The touch of one
Upon the other
The two halves want
To cuddle closer
To feel the heat
Of one's near breathing
Hearing the beat
Of blood rushed, pulsing
A gentle hug
A kiss on cheek
I'm feeling smug
My knees are weak
The clasp of hands
A warm embrace
I lose all plans
To leave this place
The magic of such
Close staring eyes
I would rather much
Stay silent, than say sweet goodbyes
-14th October 2004-
Writer's note: When you're in love, you see the world in a different prespective.
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Fare Well
The hardest farewell so far I've said
Was for someone I barely knew
The saddest goodbye said to date
Was for Rydiana, you.
It's strange how sometimes people can
affect our lives in such great ways
In this short competition span
I've had so many memorable days
You've been a friend, and then much more
But now we walk two different paths
With you around, things never were a bore
I know forever, these memories will last.
-23rd August 2004-
Writer's note: Wrote this for Rydee the night before she left for the airport. It's amazing how someone I've known for such a short time can impact my life in such a big way. Perhaps we should not think more about the impact of our lives on others, no matter how short the conversation, or time spent together may be.
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Happy Birthday
Today is a big day
For you to shine
Have fun and enjoy life
Just relax and unwind
You've reached the big 2-0
Please do take a seat
Say goodbye to the teen years
Start grooving to the 20's beat!
It may sound dull and
No fun at all
But believe me, my dear
You will stand tall
Be thankful of your friends
And your family for their love
With all of us around
You'll fly like a dove!
You're a special person
And I'm glad we're mates
We get to share details
About our favourite foods and crappy dates!
The "Malaysian Idol" stint
Has taught us both a lot
We should appreciate the friendship
And all the good it has brought
Hope we'll still be friends
And everything will be the same
Cuz without you around Andrew
I have no one to blame!
So i hope you'll like this poem
And keep it in your heart
But if you find it cheesy
Then just tear it apart!
Before I end this poem
I hae just one more thing to say
May God bless you with joy and happiness
And a very very Happy Birthday!
-18th September 2004-
Writer's note: I did not write this. It was written for me, for my 20th birthday by Wirda aka "Weird". Another good friend I made during the Malaysian Idol compettition. She was our nanny so to speak. lol. Contestant coordinator.
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Hurry Tomorrow
Hurry Tomorow
Make haste your dawn
It's too hard to swallow
For my heart is torn
One half is taken
To far far away
And till you awaken
Only half's here to stay
I hear her calling
And feel the desire
Inside I am burning
And love is the fire
Hurry tomorow
Come now, don't delay
I lay on my pillow
I hope, then I pray.
-23rd October 2004-
Writer's note: I wrote this, when I couldn't wait for
tomorrow to come. =D
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I won't worry about tomorrow
I won't worry about tomorrow
Cuz I know he's already there
I won't worry about tomorrow
I'll leave it to him to care
I won't worry about tomorrow
Cuz He'll be there to guide me
I won't worry about tomorrow
If I am lost, He will find me
I won't worry about tomorrow
I'll just live for Him today
I won't worry about tomorrow
Cuz He will show me the way
-6th November 2004-
Writer's note: Sometimes sleepless night can really get to you. You know you have a big day ahead, but your brain just can't stop working on what's going to happen tomorrow. That's irritating ain't it?
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Are you worth it?
Have you looked at the empty cross
And wondered if the cost
He paid to save your life
was worth the pain and strife
-5th April 2005-
Writer's note: Are we worth what He's done?
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Troubled sleep
A troubled night's sleep
Results in me awakened
Again the question bugs me
Again my will is shaken
A million "if's", a billion
Of what is and what could, may
Too many unanswered questions
Jolts the past back forward today
This time I'm not so sure
And play the devil's advocate
Maybe if she was here
Her voice would clear my head
But this season I'm alone
Each sunset a compounded slip
Towards what was before
I'm drowning in the deep
Against the rushing tide
I'm holding on to you
Maybe it should be to Him
But you're my only clue
Hold my hand and don't let go
Till the torrent's over
Cause if I get lost in the flow
Look back, I may sadly never
-5th April 2005-
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Men
Men are woefully untidy
And if they're not they're gay.
Usually unwise with money
Spending spree on his pay day
Always looking for stuff to fix
Though nothing may be broken
Do stupid things for kicks
Especially drunk, they're open
Men are egoistic megalomaniacs
They think they are the answer
They seek to learn the facts
To make themselves look smarter
Men are not afraid
Of slimy things and ghosts
But ask them to bake bread
They'll turn it to burnt toast
Men constantly think about women
Though not in the purest sense -_^"
Inside each one's a demon
That needs to be kept in a fence
Sights and touch are what
Drives a man's attention
It will be pretty hard
To expect them to just listen
Although men are generally tough
They also have emotions
But I tell you, all this stuff
Don't dream you'll get in confession
Because men are born to be
The alphas in the pack
They will only let you see
The things they do not lack.
-25th August 2005-
Writer's note: Rachel Lee asked me to tell her about men, because she was writing something on them. I ended up writing smething on my own. lol.
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To someone I still care for
To someone I still care for
I'd like to share with you
Advice and thoughts I've readied
And some I hope you'd do
I may not have been the best
Of friends or someone close
But I'll still speak my mind
If only to blank echoes
I will make some assumptions
Don't take them as attacks
I only want to help you
Rebuild what you may lack
Firstly, you are special
To everyone you meet
Trust me, that's the truth
I'm not trying to be sweet
You have remarkable talent
Blessed beyond most people
But don't take that for granted
Lest it be stolen by the devil
When it comes to appearance
Be convinced that you are beautiful
Don't take that as a curse
Instead, you can be thankful
Even on the inside
I know how much you care
For others all around you
But burdens are to be shared
Don't try to be the one
Who will always take the fall
Hang on to whatever's dear to you
Some are worth fighting for
Don't blame yourself for things
That are already in the past
No one cares if you were wrong
For in your future we put our trust
Don't blame people or situations
For making you this way
Thank God that through His molding
You've grown in many ways
Use that to His Glory
And know that in His eyes
Also others, you are perfect
Growing in His designs
You will never find someone
Who can meet all your needs
Who'll be there unconditionally
Because as humans, we are weak
If you ever find yourself
Feeling down again
Turn your eyes to Jesus
And he'll heal all your pain
Get on your knees and worship
In His presence there is healing
There's nothing more you'll need
And no one that's more loving
I do not have a magic pill
That will fix whatever's wrong
But if your walk with God is right
I know you WILL be strong
Don't let what others say
Make you feel rejected
When anyone is bitter
Don't join them in self hatred
Learn to love yourself
And treasure who you are
Because if you can do it
You'll be better off by far
Value who and what you are
And how and where and why
Because I know though many do
Your low esteem makes us cry
You are truly precious
To people and surely God
These are not just hollow words
So listen though you're bored
For until you grasp
How important you are to Him
Life will always be meaningless
And living, one big sin
Be careful who you mix with
And who you keep for company
Someone's out to destroy you
The deceiver is your enemy
Don't let down your guard
Maintain God's righteous standards
And God will surely bless you
With all good things that you've desired
That's all I can pull
Out of my head tonight
Also do remember
I sang those lyrics right
No matter what may happen
You will always be
Someone very special
That will never change for me
-29th August 2005-
Writer's note: After all, you're still you. I hope you'll read this, someday. And I hope it'll help you too... in some way.
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21 years of thanks
In the last 21 years,
Thanks for you have fed me
Thanks for what you've done
Thanks for all the friendship
And being so much fun
Thank you for your prayers
Said on my behalf
Thank you for your blessings that
I could never get enough
Thanks for all the jokes
And stories you've shared
Thanks for making me a part
Of the company that we had
Thanks for all the votes
Some of you have sent
Thanks also for the gifts today
You've brought here with your hands
Thanks for the encouragement
Thanks also for the scoldings
Thank you all caring enough
When I needed correcting
Thanks for the advices
Thanks for loving me
Thanks for all the happy thoughts
Cherished they will be
Thank you all for everything
You've invested in this man
I hope that you're all happy
Because I know, I am.
Thank you all for everything.
If you had not fed me,
If you had not clothed me,
If you had not thought me how to cross the road,
Ride a bike, Sing a song, Play a note
If you had not tutored me
If you had not helped me
If you had not borrowed me cash when I was broke
Been my pal, and a smile when tears have choked
If you had not grown with me
If you had not fought with me
If you have not swung that that punch, when I was rude
Picked a fight, stood on my side, and been a dude
If you had not nurtured me
If you have not impressed me
If you have not given me medicine, and got me healed
When I was sick, kicked a brick or fallen ill
I would not be, who I am today.
I am who I am, because of what God has done through you, to me. God Bless you all.
-16th September 2005-
Writer's note: Had a big celebration for my 21st Birthday. Wrote this poem to express my thanks to EVERYONE as part of my birthday speech. haha.
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A new canvas
Staring at a new canvas
No letters yet appear
Ink blots, strokes, splashes
Of colours finely steered
Staring at a new canvas
Sheets still clean and white
Unlike the precious treasures
Framed and placed in sight
Staring at a new canvas
I know that it has started
New beginnings careless
About the past created
Staring at a new canvas
I feel myself at peace
Free and without burdens
To create another masterpiece
-24th November 2005-
Writer's note: Well, I'm alone again (the word single doesn't do anyone justice), and this time, I think we made the right choice, and I'm relieved that we were mature enough to know when we were headed the wrong way. Much, I have learned.
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And I regret
Is it too late to turn back time?
Is it too late to change my mind?
Was it too early to put the past behind?
I shouldn't have.
Was it worth it to lose a friend?
Was it worth it to distance then?
Is it not worth healing hearts again?
I shouldn't have.
And I regret.
I shouldn't have.
But time will not go back.
Choices have become facts.
Decisions put of memory's rack.
I shouldn't have.
I have probably betrayed your trust.
The awful realities of life I cuss.
Now here, wondering where, I'm crushed.
-25th November 2005-
Writer's note: One of my personal mottos have always been "never regret", but still, I make mistakes, and I believe I made a big one by building a wall between me and another, just because someone else wanted it that way.
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I won't know what to say
I won't know what to say
If suddenly one day
You looked the other way
And saw me crying
I won't know what to say
If now the things I pray
Suddenly begin to pay
And caught me lacking
I won't know what to say
If this game that we all play
Made me a winner today
And is left wanting.
-6th December 2005-
Writer's note: I know... knew I wasn't ready. Still not ready for a relationship, but what do you do when someone you like approaches you? Push them away and that could be your one and only chance. Reciprocate emotions, and you could destroy what could've been better off as friendship.
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Old records
Sorrows piercing grips me
As I open old records
Of things that once be
Conversations of sorts
"I miss you" were among
The lines of happy chat
"Why didn't you ask" in bold and strong
Made my eyes teary wet
The weekly letters that I sent
The precious few that you replied
The words that I truly meant
Were reason that I cried
Reading back the past
I wonder if I blundered
And if given a chance, last
I would be lost for words
I tried so hard to do
What I thought so well I must
Now I feel just like a fool
For I think I've broken your trust
I think I'll die again
Just to have another chance
To quench this thirst insane
To have you in my hands
But I know it is too late
You have walked away
Mistake or perhaps just fate
Yet for your return I pray
And perhaps when that day comes
I will surely then be ready
To take you in my arms
And restart again our journey
-6th December 2005-
Writer's note: Spent my afternoon perusing old chatlogs, e-mails and journals that I wrote. Gosh the memories... The words, The emotions. Overwhelming.
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Repeated play
In the darkest night
I see her in the shadows
Shimmering pale moonlight
Forming as eyes are closed
I find myself lost
And again my guiding light
Is not the Divine source
But her mirage glowing bright
Drawing ever closer
Slow and cursed drift
Reaching out to touch her
Hoping that what if
But as it begins, it's over
Wretched dream that never ends
Reality falls back in order
And I'm left with empty hands
I soon forget the vision
And wake to a new day
But soon there'll be remission
Dream stuck on repeated play
-6th December 2005-
Writer's note: Some things are just not attainable. Like dreams that are broken by your alarm clock just before you reach the end. Frustrating isn't it?
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The window
I stare at the window of cyberspace
Hoping to catch a glimpse of her face
But even then, such little joy it gives
As our times connecting, remain short lived
I sit by the window, while sweet music plays
Closing my eyes, savouring sorrowful sways
Hands feeling the strokes of a digital pen
Scribing words of my hearts rend
Beyond the window I wonder about
What she is doing below heavens clouds
Oh how I long to reach out to her
To know what she feels, sees and hears
But all I can do is sit by my window
Because, much uncertain, but one thing I know
That finally now she's found her a man
And I'm left here, with open, bare empty hands
-6th December 2005-
Writer's note: Ever seen your PC monitor as a window? Haha. The nerd in me. Sometimes I just sit here, waiting, hoping for someone, something. Listening to schmaltzy music (She's out of my life was on repeated play when I wrote this) and writing whatever lines come to your head. Yet I know... what I'm hoping for is not possible. Perhaps it's good that I just let my mind wander. The mood's ripe for writing.
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Forgotten wishes
I will wait for her
Till the end of the year
If she doesn't take one step closer
I don't know if I can hang on much longer
I still want you back precious
But slowly, my dreams are blown away like ashes
Maybe the wind will carry it to you
Then maybe, maybe dreams can come true.
-25th December 2003-
Writer's note: Wrote this down in my journal, 2 years back. So much has changed since then. And yet, so much has not.
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Dear God
Dear God, only You know
How much I loved her so
Dear God, only You care
How much I wanted to be a pair
Dear God, only You understand
Why all this is in your plan
Dear God, I've been wrong
My focus has been on her too strong
Dear God, I've been lost
Lost sight of You, and paid the cost
Dear God, I've been so foolish
Please show me what's good and right to cherish
Dear God, You know what's best for me
The problem is, I was blind and couldn't see
Dear God, You know who I truly love
But help me set my sights on you above
Dear God, You know my reason for living
Show me how to deal with this changing
Dear God, I want to get this right
Guide me with Thy Holy Light
Dear God, I want to live for You
Help me cast my cares upon You too
Dear God, I want to change
I'll try and leave everything for you to arrange
And Dear God, if it is Your will
Let that person love me still
And dear God, if it is Your choice
Guide my ears to hear her words through the noise
And Dear God, if it is not meant to be
Take this love from my heart, and set me free
-8th December 2005-
Writer's note: Looking back into the distant, and also not so distant past, I've learned something. A series of hard lesson that is. The revelations came in stages. At first, I realized what it meant to love someone. Where all you think all day is about that person. Then I learned, What it meant to live not for yourself, because just when you expect the world to revolve around you, it quickly and immediately falls apart. Finally I learned what it meant to live for someone else. Where every step, decision, effort, thought process, breath, sweat, motive, reason and everything, is governed and concerns the one and only person you love. I've learned this because that's what I've done. For a long time
I've let my world revolve around my first love, and then for a period of time, I had let it revolve around me. Suddenly now the the simple words "live for God" and "love God" mean so much. Suddenly now, I understand a bigger part of the picture. Suddenly now, It has become clear what I should do. It's always been "God what should I say to her", "God show me is she the one", "God help me!" where my focus was on her, and brief glances to God for help, while it should've been focusing on God, and brief glances to her for His approval and timing. I've learned that I need to set my focus right. As the song goes "Turn your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, then the things of this world will go strangely dim, In the light of His Glory and Grace". The complexity of my predicament has unraveled itself as just being focused wrongly. Like driving on 5th gear on the highway while staring at the sideview mirror. It's so hard. So hard to turn away from what I've held so close to my heart. I had let go, but I was still watching. Hoping. Perhaps it's time now to focus my eyes correctly. I loved you, love you, and will always love you, but I cannot live my life for you anymore. Hopefully, I'll get it right this time. Then hopefully, God will make for a me and you. And if He doesn't, I know He'll see me through.
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The portrait
My finger tips
Hover over your lips
And in silent motion
Deft artful passion
I'm starting then
Imaginary pen
As I sketch the grace
That speaks your face
The gentle curves
That I fell in love
The perfect vision
Of God's perfection
I trace the Tee
As you look at me
To form the frame
Of eyes aflame
Move on to
Your browned eye hue
Shaped arching brow
That so beguiles
And also lashes
Blinks and flashes
So feminine
Drawing me in
Gliding down
Without a sound
To shade your nose
And then I froze
Your beauty's forming
Ever alluring
I pause to break
Lest made mistake
Won't stop this art
Again I start
This time the luscious
Lips of precious
Who would not wished
To be so kissed
The sinuous curves
Wreaking nerves
Plot out the ears
That's heard my tears
In perfect symmetry
Completing your beauty
Pull back and I stare
Visualizing long waving hair
My hands begin to stroke
How I remember once you looked
Finishing touches
Shading blushes
Now I see
You looking back at me
I close my eyes
Release my sighs
I painted air
She was, never there
-9th December 2005-
Writer's note: I was watching an anime today, and as usual, studying the artwork. I started imagining myself drawing a face, tracing the outlines, with my back on my bed and staring at the ceiling. Slowly plotting the curves, following the steps to inking out a face, and then I decided to make it into a poem. Haha. It's so nice to... uhm... I'd call it imaginary draw. The picture's always perfect. You should try it. Al you need is some imagination, fingers, and some air.
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My mom is a ninja
I usually consider myself
A rather light sleeper
But I never expected the art of stealth
To be built so well in her
Just yesterday I've come to realise
How swift she moves in shadows
When I was sleeping with closed eyes
I couldn't expect what was to follow
Silently she crept up to my bed
Without alerting presence
She placed right there beside my head
A lovely Christmas present
You may not find within her bag
A shiny flying star
But don't you dare call her a hag
Cuz my mom is a ninja
-15th December 2005-
Writer's note: Well, I was sick, for a day. Being sick is horrible isn't it? Well anyways, After sleeping like, the whole day, and the whole night, and the whole morning after that, I wake to find a nice pressie from my dad, placed by my bed... like.. right beside my head, by my mom. I was quite... errr.. surprised. Haha. Suddenly in the afternoon the line " my mom is a ninja " popped up in my head, so I decided to try and write about that. Try something new instead. haha.
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A rebuke
I've told you, time and time again
I've shown you, why and where and when
But still you seem so ignorant
Not thinking about it, you're ambivalent
Perhaps it's a sign of immaturity
I don't want to judge what I can't clearly see
But I puzzle at your inability to discern
And worse, your unwillingness to learn
If you think of this as a harsh rebuke
What's coming next, it's just a prelude
Cause when you open your eyes wide soon you'll know
Why all this while, I told you so
You have the knowledge, but not the understanding
Feeling smart, you've simply stopped searching
But it's not in the books you'll find your answer
It's learning from experience, then we become wiser
If you're not willing to stand corrected
It is your own loss, life's lessons subtracted
When people speak, don't only hear
There's more on your head, than only the ear
The ability to think, makes humans great
If you can't rationalize, you're worse than an ape
To me there's nothing more disgusting than
A mindless shortsighted unmotivated man
If you're feeling useless, there's only one to blame
We each have our trials and storms to tame
God has given us all, the necessary tools
Failure finds fault, and it is YOU
But there's still hope, if success is far
Mistakes often leave us with a useful scar
Not to show off how much we've been through
But to remind us the road wasn't always smooth
So on life's journey you can look back
To see what you've learned, and then to reflect
Ignoring this step, will be your undoing
As you'll find the mistakes that you made are repeating
Listen now friend, and listen so well
For now one more time, the importance I'll spell
You need to learn to use your head
Stop dancing along, start thinking instead.
-18th December 2005-
Writer's note: That's what I feel at this point of
time. People have lost the ability to think properly. The have opinions, but no valid
reasons, they have a point of view, but no facts, they have a strong will, but can't
tell if they are right or wrong. Basically they are ignorant, and happy to be that
way. How sad. Perhaps I should use the word "they" sparingly, as it befalls us
all.
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Pebble
I pick it up
And then I toss
Watch it warp
And skip across
The silver screen
That shows reflection
Shimmering sheen
Is scattered, broken
Erupting rings
Where difference hits
Two different things
As elements meet
Expanding circles
Mark where it's been
Clashing ripples
Are left to be seen
The pebble sinks
Into obscurity
I watch and think
That's like you and me
-25th December 2005-
Writer's note: I'm reminded again, that no matter how brief the conversation, no matter how shallow the friendship, no matter how short the time spent, we can, and often do make an impact on people. Never underestimate the power of your influence. Just like the pebble that skips across the water, ripples reverberate throughout the surface, reaching many places, the pebble never reached.
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Idol Jesus
I heard a stirring subject
In youth meeting today
Delivered clean and perfect
Shocking on its way
It questioned who we worship
If anything at all
Whom to, we submit lordship
And so it tossed the ball
Its main point soon became
More and more obvious
And surely it was strange
Some may even say blasphemous
But I know it is the truth
For it struck a chord in many
Some preachers speak what sooths
But this one was so fiery
To bring across his message
That he carried with such conviction
How the young ones of this age
Have indulged in prostitution
Perhaps not in today's context
But in many ways its true
And ironing out the facts
I see it in me and you
So many real world ways
We have sadly sold ourselves
To anyone who pays
Enough for our selfish self
Perhaps it's when we need
Something so very badly
Then some turn and treat
God like a sugar daddy
Some even think they can
Pay their way to God
By giving offering then
Expecting all what nots
Some also use the gifts
God's Given for His glory
Exploiting them like thieves
For riches, fame and folly
God the Sovereign One
Has been reduced just to a client
Whom we sell ourselves
When there's no one else reliant
The biggest idol of all Christians
Isn't money, fame or power
Not popular musicians
Knowledge, wisdom or a lover
Instead it has become
Idol Jesus, so to speak
Lord, Master, Savior, but for some
Convenience of the week
Don't worship Idol Jesus
But get to know him real
Then you'll know what pleases
The God that never fails
It's not what you can do
That'll make Him love you more
God only asks from you
For worship and love that's pure
To stay within the covenant
That He has made for us
And be called "Good and faithful servant"
When we return to dust
Let there be no compromise
For our only one true Friend
But be one of the wise
And he'll be there, for you, at the end
-12th February 2006-
Writer's note: I often get the question: "What's the difference between Christianity and *insert other religion here*. My usual answer is, Christianity is not a religion, but a relationship". Save the confusing talk for another time, but even among Christians, so many of us are not getting the relationship part right. Perhaps even me. I hope the message gets across through the poem, because it has certainly gotten through to me. Thanks James. And to the Christians, stop worshipping Idol Jesus.
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For 'Drew' & For 'Moonstarlady'
For ‘Drew’
I cannot understand,
Why you loved her so much,
That you wrote her hundreds of poems,
That she may have never read.
I cannot understand,
Why you listened to her moanings,
Day after day, night after night,
I watch you answer her phone calls,
Without reluctance, without contempt.
I cannot understand,
This selflessness of yours,
Where does it come from?
Is it possible for one to be unselfish?
Can you never be angry or irritated?
I cannot understand,
Why you are so kind,
Taking so much crap from others,
Always smiling gently, never judging.
Do you cry at night before you sleep?
Do you lie awake, thinking of your troubles?
When you stand steadfast for others,
You hold them close, reassuring them that things will turn out right.
But I wonder now, I wonder tonight,
Who is there to hold you when you are alone?
Who is there to hold your hand when your heart is breaking?
When there is nothing but the painful throbbing in your head,
The endless beating of the drums, crying, just crying.
Now night after night,
I have become another one of them,
Always seeking for your gentleness,
Asking for more of your attention.
I lie awake, often at night,
Worrying about tomorrow, thinking about many things,
Crying when I imagine death, torture and loneliness,
Dreaming of love that will never come.
I hold that single connection,
Firmly in my palm,
I key in those words that horrifies me at night,
“I cannot sleep.”
My mother often worries,
When I get into a relationship,
Because she knows very well,
That I tend to give too much of myself,
Too much.
I become an overbearing, selfish child,
Fighting for my freedom, lonely without support,
Wanting for more, all the time,
Dying for affection, yet afraid of so many things.
Love, this is something I have yet to understand.
Your love for her, it’s amazing to see the power it drives you,
When I read your poems, when I see your desire,
Your passion, it fuels you, it amazes me.
Can I attain that kind of passion one day?
Instead of penning these foolish, empty words,
That may not contain enough depth,
That are just endless banter from an over-eager writer.
Can I learn from you one day?
To be selfless, to stand still and listen,
To smell the flowers by the lake,
Instead of rushing all the time,
From one meeting to the next.
Can I settle down like you have established your base?
To stop my wanderings one day,
And return to my homeland, to find the future within those walls,
And find my place, within the society I had despised for so long?
When I return for Christmas this year,
Will you take me out again?
Take me for that warm sweet tea,
Let me have the chance to know you more?
And in those precious nocturnal meetings,
Will you let me hear your voice?
Tell me your troubles, your joys, your visions?
Let me be the one to hold you in prayer and thought,
To be the one who can give you the support you are giving me now?
While today, I lay awake as usual,
Fearful sometimes about the future,
Always planning, always trying,
Will you answer my short message,
When I say “I cannot sleep?”
By Moonstarlady
For ‘Moonstarlady’
I too did not understand
I too did not know
I could only wait and then
Trusted God and time to show
But the pain that I have felt
Helped me easily relate
What turns of life had dealt
To our hurting friend's fate
The selflessness you see
Is nothing more glorious than
A simple surrendered me
To Gods bigger better plan
The only thing I knew
Was I could be a blessing
And so I slowly grew
And taught myself to be understanding
I seldom cry at night
And neither do I worry
Because I know God's always right
And I hang on when things get stormy
So if you wonder why
It is because I've learned
To see from a bird's eye
That our problems are just a season
Every time I get
Messages of distress
I thank God that he lets
Me help them in their mess
Instead of lying wide awake
And entertain my worrying
I've made it a habit instead
For praying and thanksgiving
So when at times you feel
Maybe a need for comforting
Don't let courtesy bother you still
I'm always ready for listening
My mom worries too for me
She says my heart's too big
Peoples hurts I easily see
And I try to help without a break
I often try to find
Answers to questions people seek
And then I find sometimes
The burden makes me weak
But I carry it with a smile
Because I know that they
Will make it all worthwhile
When we meet again THAT day
Your words are surely moving
Neither meaningless or null
They have been encouraging
And certainly not dull
Do not learn from me
I am only but a human
Mistake I do you do not see
And some I've kept quite hidden
Our foundation must be found
Only on His place
Then we won't crumble down
When difficulties hit us in the face
When you do return
I'd be more than happy
Please don't be concerned
I'll take you out for tea
But then do not expect
Me to have too much to say
I prefer to just stand back
Answering what comes my way
So while you're sleepless wondering
And waiting for an answer
Know unless I didn't hear it ring
The opportunity to bless I'll treasure.
-4th March 2006-
Writer's note: Moonstarlady wrote me a poem, and I felt compelled to write a reply to her moving poem. I'm blessed to have friends like these, and I am blessed whenever I can be a blessing. ( =
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My God, He is so real
Have you wondered why
When things could go so wrong
Yet always in the end
We find where we belong
When life throws us some options
And forces us to choose
How often we are blessed
Even if we lose
When major things like courses
That you have picked to study
How things slowly brightened
And cleared uncertainty
When closer things like friendship
Matters of heart and soul
Teach us to be better
So in the future we can know
When simple things like junctions
And how we beat the jam
When suddenly we listened
And heard the inner man
When daily things like money
Graciously we are so blessed
Even when it's stormy
We have shelter in which to rest
When sudden things like emergencies
Catch us quite off guard
But still we rise up standing
Though we may have fallen hard
When many other things
Like accidents avoided
Healing, peace and weather
And much more we take for granted
I have wondered why
And now see through the veil
That in these ways He's always there
My God, He is so real.
-13th March 2006-
Writer's note: I used to wonder, what it would be like If I wasn't a born a christian. How it would've felt if I had a chance to experience life, with, and without God. But today I had quite an interesting (albeit short) chat with Kuria, and I realised, God is so real in my life. In things that I have taken for granted. In things that I have always assumed would turn out right. In things that I had closed my eyes and took a step. Perhaps it's the overflowing of God's blessing upon the lives of my parents.
Perhaps it's the unknown and unheard prayers said on my behalf. Perhaps it's just God's way of teaching me to live by faith. One thing's for sure, I don't feel that need anymore, to experience life without God, because now I know I am
experiencing the good, not the ordinary, and I need not know the bad. Thanks God.
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The silly things I do
The silly things I do
Like looking at the cars
Watching as they pass
To see if one has you
Like keeping my eyes open
And hoping for one moment
That I'd bump into you
Like imagining you'd drop by
If only to say "hi"
Such hopes I've put on you
Like praying that one day
Fate would pave a way
Just to be with you
The silly things I do
The silly things you do
The silly things we do.
-1st January 2006-
Writer's note: I was musing that day, on how silly I was sometimes, when I hoped to bump into someone, when all it really took was a call, or a message to arrange a meeting. Sometimes, I'm really silly.
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Finishing the ending
Tonight I sit and open
A previously closed chapter
My composure has been shaken
And I need to find an answer
I pick again my pen
And presently I write
The words don't seem to end
Even though I tried
I let my mind to wander
As I skim the lines of memory
Looking back in wonder
At my bewildering history
And with a weightless heart
I jot a few more lines
An ending to these parts
Resolving them so fine
The case has now been closed
As I have finished up the ending
What comes next, God knows
Your fairytale's beginning
I close the covers heavy
And return it to the rack
For I know in my journey
Nothing I will lack.
-19th March 2006-
Writer's note: Well, yes I got the news. She's married. The person that has been the source of my emotions for a long time, inspiring my poems, and changing my life somewhat. Congratulations lady, today I can no longer call you Himé, for you are now a queen. I wish you two happiness and love forevermore. A weightless heart, as I re-open, jot and re-close this chapter. I honestly don't know what to feel or say. Perhaps, it's better I say nothing. ( =
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All the wrong places
Have you been looking for someone
That you could always depend on
Who would always stand beside you
No matter what life has brought on?
Have you been looking for someone
Who's loyal beyond all reason
Even though you turn away
His arms is kept wide open?
Have you been looking for someone
That will always understand you
Even words that are unspoken
He also knows them too?
Have you been looking for someone
Who knows just what you need
Is always ready to provide
Even for prayers that you hid?
Have you been looking for someone
Who'll be there when you're lonely
When everyone around you
Seems to never miss your company?
Have you been looking for someone
That always has the patience
To listen to your troubles
Successes and elations?
Have you been looking for someone
Who cares when you are down
Takes time to bring you peace
And joy to kill that frown?
Have you been looking for someone
That can always keep you company
Always has the time for you
Even though you can be busy?
Have you been looking for someone
Who will complete your missing half
The empty spaces in your heart
He'd fill more than enough?
Have you been looking for someone
That you can truly say
He'll love you more than anything
Forever, everyday?
If you have been looking
And if you have not found
Because you have been placing
Your bets on men in town
If you have been looking
And still you could not find
The person you were hoping
To ease your troubled mind
If you have been looking
For places, experiences and things
To simulate belonging
And not just for a fling
Then you have been looking
At all the wrong places
There's not a person or a thing
That can take the place of Jesus
-20th March 2006-
Writer's note: I've been observing, learning and changing much lately. Much indeed. All I can say is, untill a person can find his/her completeness in Jesus, he/she should stay out of a relationshp. It would take an essay for me to explain why I think so, and perhaps some of you may immediately understand where i'm coming from, but if you want to know what I mean, ask me and I'll be more than glad to share.
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Will you tell him for me & my reply
Will you tell him for me
Will you tell him for me, Drew,
The reason why I have chosen this life?
Will you tell him why I chose the pauper instead of the prince?
To inherit the pigs instead of the pearls?
It’s been nine months since I parted with him,
No tears or sorrow came close to my stubborn heart,
I perhaps have not told you of this tale,
Of the headstrong young woman who chose a brilliant career over marriage.
It’s 2.31am at the moment,
I should be sleeping, or best, sending you another infamous message of plea,
But yet I sit here, awake, writing earnestly as I have always done,
An endless trade that he never understood and perhaps never will.
I write to you now, not as a friend, but as a fellow partner in the trade,
Of poetry, literature and of the never-ending stream of thoughts on paper,
Telling you a story of a life that has changed and will change,
And regrets that will never go away, until death takes me from this foolish life.
There was once a girl, who loved her family,
She loved her country, she loved her people,
She found contentment in the small minuscule world she surrounded herself in,
Frills and lace alike, always beautiful and blissfully ignorant.
But she inherited a very strong character from her mother,
Very strong-willed and naturally curious,
She gradually grew from that bubble that eventually gave way,
Bursting into life, she flew into an endless world of possibilities.
The world of higher education,
With the charms of some very excellent teachers,
Guided her blazing light,
Directing it eventually to an avenue where she found a way to release it harmlessly.
The pen never stopped scribbling,
Journals pile up year after year, month after month,
She began to hone that skill and it became her,
She saw it as a tool to release her to far and away places.
She began to yearn to leave.
She did leave, in September 2003, in search for an answer,
She had two lovely friends to send her off in the wee hours of the morning,
One of them, as you might recall, was none other than you.
She arrived into a new world,
Leaving behind her family, her friends, her country,
She started to grow in wisdom and in the ways of the world,
She learned to stand stronger on her two feet.
Her writing continued to grow and grow,
Now she still writes, earnestly and with more flavor,
She writes professionally, she writes passionately,
She writes emotionally, she writes poetry-from time to time.
Yet in all this rush of a brilliant career,
She rekindled an old romance from her childhood days,
Of her own “pudgy” and of her own countrymen,
Trying for the second time, to understand a man who loved her dearly.
But it became evident with time,
That she was too strong for him,
She was so close to loving him,
But she would destroy him.
She had to end it, for the second time,
Seeing how it came to be, that it could never end well,
How their dreams could never align,
And her ambitions were too far for him to reach.
She could not live a life for someone else,
If she has not lived her own,
That much she knew for sure,
Yet time would not allow for them to wait another turn.
It took her nine months to finally sit down to pen her thoughts,
The foolish coward as she is to never confront the man,
Her “pudgy” was always so forward in all his ways,
Yet in all her zeal, her courage always left her-when dealing with men and their ways.
Her writings, she once again returns,
To try to understand the world,
To make sense of it somehow,
Of how for the price of independence-loneliness will follow her for the rest of her days.
I have tried to make sense of this world and my choice, Drew,
It took me many months and many years,
But always, always, I am late in my replies,
Because of fear, because of my own failings in communicating.
Now I can never attempt to tell him,
The final reason why,
On why I chose the pauper,
And chose the pigs instead of pearls.
That I would destroy him if I married him,
If I had chosen to leave all this behind,
To be with him for an eternity,
Leaving behind a trail of broken promises-shattered glass, shattered dreams.
Until I learn to understand my purpose in living,
To see what I can do for myself and my ambitions,
No man can tame my wild heart,
My headstrong nature-a gift and my curse.
You do not know this man,
This poor darling who chose to love me,
But how I wish you could tell him,
Tell him of why I could not say yes.
But no matter-it is over now,
For he has cut all ties from me,
Letters of correspondence, returned to my hands,
I never read his final letter-too distraught to listen and to understand.
When I return home for Christmas this year,
I will take that letter into my hands,
To try and read it, with logic and indifference,
Although I know my heart will quiver, my eyes may water, but my heart is set.
Perhaps you could read it with me,
Not as a fellow of the trade-to celebrate the art of literature,
But as a friend, to try to understand this man-
The man I almost loved.
By moonstarlady
My reply
Surely I would've told him
If I could understand
The messages borne of tears
To this broken hearted man
In moments of decisions
Time is our best advocate
We struggle to come clean
So we push back instead
Perhaps your sleepless nights
Are caused, my friend, by this
As it's become apparent
This decision wasn't your wish
Maybe I'm mistaken
And maybe I've read wrong
But your messages imply
That some regrets remain so strong
Regrets, once, of a girl
Who was happy in her own world
Who was simply fascinated
By life that wasn't yet so cruel
But walls will never last
As borders are expanding
And soon you saw what life
Could be, so never ending
You were thought and educated
Encouraged to open your eyes
To see what's in the world
And what, yonder lies
With each new experience
Your yearnings grew in intensity
To step out of the comfort zone
And perhaps into destiny
And one day you did leave
And in the wee hours in September
I was there to say
"Bon Voyage" I remember
And thank God you did arrive
Safely in your new home
And immediately you began
To yourself sharpen and to hone
Though I'm not to judge
I've not sampled your past poetry
I'm sure it is safe to say
You are professional and write passionately
Yet you realized
That heart strings still attached
Perhaps even both ways
To each other you seemed latched
But time had made your mind
That you were indeed too strong
And though there were emotions
To continue would be wrong
And so you had to break it
And for a second time
You switched from heart to head
As your futures could not align
You found a driving passion
More than love of man
To live a full life first
And then you'd see what then
And like woman's labour
It took some time to born
The thoughts you kept inside
Hidden from him, so long
Still you could not tell him
The final reason why
You had to walk away
To turn, and let him cry
The difficulty to express
That you were not his match
The pain you'd cause in time
Was one you could not patch
Our destiny is given
But it's one that we must find
But he could not contain you
And so you left behind
It is quite unfortunate
That I did not know "Pudgy"
Otherwise I could try
To be the middle party
Life still carries on
And like you said, it's over
Learn quickly from the bitter
But good things do remember
When you take that letter
And read the precious words
Remember that, and more, God loves you
He'll take care of all the hurts
I can try and speak
By being in his glove
But only Jesus truly understands
The man you almost loved
-12th March 2006-
Writer's note: A challenge, to reply again moonstarlady's literature, and so I did. It's quite enjoyable ( =
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Finding me, finding you & Finding her, finding him, finding spirit in between
Finding me, finding you
I have a question for you,
On some thoughts that have been running on my mind,
Things like men and women,
And the reasons why we never get along.
I do not understand, when guys say one thing and do the other,
Why do they never say what they mean?
Why do they always say, “let’s hang out sometime” or “I’ll call you,”
But never ever do?
Wouldn’t it be easier to just say “goodbye,” “farewell,” or “adieu”?
Why do they have to lie and be polite?
Isn’t it easier to cut the tack and order?
And be honest and avoid placing hope on a woman’s heart?
Don’t they know the difference between a woman who cares and who does not?
Don’t they know that a woman will wait for that phone call? She will count the hours?
Do they find enjoyment in the pains of others?
Or are they simply stripped of all common sense in reading between the lines?
Why do men never stop and ask for directions?
Is it because it seems wimpy and weak?
Why do men get angry when the women urge them to stop and ask for directions?
Is it because they feel that their female companion is not being supportive?
Why are men so jealous of their lovers sometimes?
And yet they get angry when the women ask them of their whereabouts.
Why do men find it necessary to be so protective of their daughters?
When in the end, their own daughters break free and rebel?
How can men pursue a woman so passionate, and yet, lose interest just as easily?
And when they do, they cast them aside like old rags,
They find it necessary not to communicate for a long time,
As if a friendship wasn’t even forged, and now she is a liability?
Why is it that men are so technical?
And sometimes give the women a hard time emotionally?
Why is it that men never really talk to resolve problems between their kind,
Preferring to discard, destroy and forget?
Why do we continue to butt heads even to this century,
And never say what we mean and what we really feel?
How do we find the middle ground, where compromise can be made?
How do we find me? How do we find you?
By moonstarlady
Finding her, finding him, finding spirit in between
I have a question for you too
Strange things that some people do
How a lady and a man can walk the same
But in their minds, a different game
But I can confidently answer you this
Perhaps it's the people, you've gotten to know, miss
Not all the guys don't do what they say
Not all the guys don't say what they may
A man and his ego, bursting with filled pride
Would rather lie and pretend he's polite
Than to face the risk, of a woman's rejection
Or destroy a chance for future affection
I shall for now stereotype and claim
That the body and mind is man's domain
Their emotional faculties are in terrible state
That, a woman's needs, most cannot relate
And because of that, men prefer thinking
Reason and logic, instead of emoting
Unlike what some think, they assume it their strength
And likewise they will, defend it at length
The only emotion that men tend to show
Would be jealousy, anger, that we all surely know
That is because, past generations have drilled
The territorial instincts, that have been strongly instilled
Once again, unlike women, men lay it out quick
They rationalize, learn, and quickly they pick
But we also know that women will dwell in her feelings
And so some leave them, to allow for some healing
The women has strengths in the emotion and mind
But the two will conflict, and so often you'll find
That men will prefer to quickly decide
And not to allow, mind and heart to collide
Nothing has changed, and sadly nothing will
We'll never understand, each other until
Our spirit becomes, alive and is given
Full control of our lives. Read poem 147.
-26th March 2006-
Writer's note: Another challenge. Haha, this time however, I don't think I have a clear cut answer I can give. Obviously men and women are wired a whole lot differently, but her question, where do we find a common ground, I didn't really addressed. Or actually I did, but perhaps not in a way that many of you will understand, but like in the poem, it relates to poem 147, and poem 147 represents a shift in my mentality, a shift in my philosophy. Unfortunately, it's rather difficult for me to bring people to that level of discussion and analysis with rhyming poems. ( =
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Paradigm shift
Lately there's a change
A turn, a warp so strange
And if I, you haven't read
Behind your ears still wet
Quickly listen now and grasp
My patience will not last
I will tell you now
Of what and why and how
First it starts with passion
That came from revelation
Suddenly I could see
The creation I should be
Not a human of the soul
Oscillating high and low
Emotions that are strong
Yet just can be so wrong
Still not a man of mind
Who analyzes line by line
No answer in the head
Can save me from being dead
Not a working man of acts
Like giving out more tracts
Preaching to the peoples
A million times, the gospel
These three compose the fallen
Nature of all human
The soul that tries, do good
But still not always could
The mind that ever thinks
For answers and the links
The body that seeks after
Holy reasons for, to suffer
The most important portion
Of God's new born creation
Is the Spirit that resides
In each of us inside
Initially it is weak
More the reason we should seek
For when it becomes alive
It's going to take you for a drive
That's how it was meant to be
And as Christians how could we
Ignore the utter importance
Calvary's meaning all forgotten
God did come to save
But more, He came and gave
New life into dead spirit
So we can all live by it
Instead of doing the same
Old mind reasoning game
That is always limited to our
Depth, width, height and hour
Or searching in your feelings
For questions you are asking
The mistake of trusting heart
A soul play's not, that part
Or put your every endeavor
Into your works, to look so clever
Thinking it's your ability
To overturn the world's calamity
Learn to live by Spirit
Together fellowship with it
And when you get this right
Then you will shine His light
Brighter than any beacon
Of feelings, works and reason
Through this only you will show
A God that you truly know.
-23rd March 2006-
Writer's note: Poem 146 made me pull out this one from my unreleased poems. Written recently, reflecting in a recent change in mentality. I just can't find the proper words to make clear what's going through my head now, perhaps that's why it took Gene Edwards a whole book to write about it ("The Highest Life"). So many of us value our knowledge, debating to the ends of the earth obout scripture, and otherwise. Others will value the emotions, always thinking about the emotions, and how people feel, caring, loving, etc. Still others call for the work. They slave till kingdom come for their glorious gospel. All these are Good, but MAYBE, all these are just efforts of a fallen man, with a fallen soul, and body, trying to make up for a dead spirit. IF, our spirit were alive and functioning the way it was functioning in Christ, we as Christians will, and I say WILL, walk a very different life. Why? Seriously, get your hands on that book. Perhaps that's why the King Solomon, in his wisdom, says Vanity(Meaningless), all is Vanity. It truly was for him, because he knew his spirit was dead, and until Christ returned, there was no meaning to a life of just soul and body.
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Let her sleep
Father grant her rest
Father grant her peace
Let unwanted noises
Bothering her now cease
Father let her dream
Father let her sleep
Give O' Lord the rest she needs
And slumber sweet and deep
Amen
-February 2006-
Writer's note: Wrote this in an sms when a friend requested prayer for her sleepless nights.
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For Tifa
This is for Tifa
Whose love has gone
Away and afar
And left her so torn
I understand Tifa
The questions you have
When you look at the stars
And ask why he left
Just like you Tifa
I once wondered too
The songs on my guitar
Showed the colours of blue
But there are things Tifa
That just can't be answered
The sorrowful vista
Of pain and of hurt
Let go Tifa
And you'll feel the release
The healing of scars
The onset of peace
Because, dear Tifa
One thing I've learned
No matter how far
If it's love, he'll return
And if not, Tifa
Then smile just like me
Bid au revoir
As long as he's happy
-12 April 2006-
Writer's note: I'm not an avid fan of the
Final Fantasy game series, though I do enjoy the CGI movies.
However, recently I heard this song called "Tifa's theme"
playing on my friend's phone. Just a solo piano piece,
and I found it very very beautiful, oozing with emotion.
So I let it play a few times, then wrote this. Haha. First time experiment.
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This is how
I cannot come and find you
In the middle of the night
And drive both of us far away
From the city lights
I cannot buy you roses
On any given day
Toffees, sweets and chocolates
Or large caramel sundaes
I cannot take you up
To my spot out of my window
To watch the starry skies
And the clouds that are being blown
I cannot hold you in my arms
And stare into your eyes
To see you looking back at me
And sing a lullaby
I cannot be the one
Who will dry your face of tears
And when grief and sorrow needed
To wipe away your fears
I cannot take you out
For a movie or a date
Or just chill out at my place
Till the clocks are running late
But most important of all
I cannot say I love you
And if prayers for your happiness are all I can do
That's how I'll show my love for you
Just like how I couldn't chase you
When you walked away
Because you were too complex
I had to just give way
Just like how I let you take me
On a roller coaster ride
Allowing your indecision
Biding your emotional tides
Just like how I had to back off
When you had cut the line
And watch you from a distance
Waiting for a sign
Just like how I stood by patient
For all of those trying years
Waiting for a chance again
To make good all my tears
Just like how I had to pretend
That everything was alright
Because you couldn't deal with
My hurting heart inside
Just like how I had once shown
My love by staying aside
Setting you free like a dove
Into the starry night
This was how I loved you
By taking in all the pain
And this is how I'll love you
By letting you fly again.
-8 April 2006-
Writer's note: Ahhh... It's nice writing
poems that are inspired. The words/ideas/pictures just form effortlessly
without needing much thought. I know it's a sad recurring theme, but don't
worry about me. I'm merely letting, encouraging even, the emotional tides
to amplify my thoughts and scribbling them as literature as fast as I can.
Haha! Anyway, this poem represents how I feel I kept true to my word. I
have loved her in every way I felt was necessary, and now, I love her in
the only way I can. As a supporting and praying friend. No more, no less.
Easier said than done? Perhaps. At least I try.
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A different view
Lean back and look up at the stars
Relax, take the back seat of the car
Out the rearside pane of glass
Look up to the sky so vast
Perhaps some peaceful music vibes
As you let someone else drive
There can be time for recreation
Between the times to destination
Watch the scenery changing rapid
It is different from the usual vapid
No more cars and hulks of metal
Running people like herds of cattle
Instead some different things you'll see
Like the underside of lighted trees
Sudden glow of orange street lamps
Leave your eyes with temporal stamps
The hiding moon revealed from clouds
Blazing stars unveiled from shrouds
Or the cotton fluffs themselves are nice
There's much to appreciate in the canvas skies
But the contrast of a moving scene
Far away from a stagnant screen
Motion of the flitting skies
Framed by roof that keeps you dry
It's something that I somehow find
Calming, spurring and beauty sublime
Try it one day, maybe you'll see
The beauty I saw, who knows you'll agree
-14 April 2006-
Writer's note: Went out with my friends the other day,
and as I was alone the back seat for awhile, I decided to lie down and look out the
rear window. Haven't done that in a long time. Haha. It's nice, to see the moving dark
skies against an unmoving background (the roof of the car). A different view from the
usual cars and roads I always see when I'm driving. It's relaxing. Watching the
underside of trees, street lamps, clouds, moon and stars. Watching the view accelerate
and decelarate as the car moves and brakes. Haha.
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I laught at blogs
I laugh
At your naivety
When you stake claim
For your privacy
I laugh
When foul is cried
Don't you realise
Web's open wide?
I laugh
Because you thought
That what you publish
Known, would not
I laugh
When you claim honesty
But when people catch you
You cry heresy
I laugh
When you claim
Rights against censorship
But do the same
I laugh
At your cries of attention
Yet you're afraid
Of it's reaction
I laugh
Because your opinions
Are meaningless
When you choose your audience
I laugh
At all the people
Who think they're cool
By being vocal
I laugh
Those times I see
Frustration
And hipocrisy
I laugh
At the minds
Who deceive themselves
With their own lines
I laugh
At your derision
Of everything
But daren't take action
I laugh
At the pretense
That people care
For your two cents
I laugh
When people post
And only think
Of themselves most
I laugh
At all the posters
Who have defeated
Their own purpose
I laugh
When people worry
After hearing
A one sided story
I laugh
At the deceived
Who take as facts
What they perceived
I laugh
At the truth
That selfishness
Is at blogs root
I laugh
Because deep down inside
You know
That I am right
-6 March 2006-
Writer's note: Oooo... This could stir some hate mail. LOL. Anyway, There's
so much I want to write here about blogs/bloggers, but i'll rather let it go, because I think i've said enough
in my poem. Do know however, that what I write here most of the time, is NOT a window to my heart, but merely a gauge to the
depths of my emotion. You have to understand, that it does not show WHAT I feel, but HOW MUCH I can feel.
And even then, I sell my propaganda. If you actually care about what you read, don't just read the lines,
or between the lines. It will barely scratch the surface of getting to know the person and the experience,
personally. Bloggers : Feel free to defend your opinion, but do it with me face to face. I'll love the challenge.
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Asking for brokenness
Lord let me eat now humble pie
That to myself again I'll die
Let me act not on my own
But in Your will and Yours alone
God again I seek approval
I surrender Lord to your renewal
Take my pride and cast away
Unwanted things that lead astray
Thank you Lord for showing me
What is it that I shouldn't be
And because I've seen where this road leads
I want to turn and your voice heed
And so I ask what others fear
Break me now, my comfort sphere
Force me Lord, to lean on you
So I'll only do what you want me to.
-3 May 2006-
Writer's note: Sometimes, the blessing of being substantially
more knowing than your peers can also be a curse. I fear arrogance creeping to me, so I ask
for something that most would fear. I ask to be humbled and brought to me knees. Quite the
opposite of my previous poem eh?
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You were
You were my daily ration
Of inspiration
And for that duration
A point of fixation
You were my elation
And yet my damnation
So through these narrations
I found my sedation
You were my affection
More, adulation
Subject of conversation
And a major distraction
You were my motivation
With no explanation
His orchestration?
I think in reflection
You were my amplification
Of admiration
Singularization
Of my devastation
You were my expression
Of self-determination
The personification
Of my imagination
You were my emancipation
In articulation
Strong gravitation
of love's attraction
You were my annihilation
Villification
Aspiration
But not to be, my culmination.
-5th July 2006-
Writer's note: Realised I haven't been inspired to write anything
lately, sigh, I need someone to break my heart proper. LOL! Anyways, read through my poems to fish
out some ideas, and threw in the word "villification" I learnt from the movie "V FOR VENDETTA" for
good measure. haha. This poem is about her, how she was so much to me, too much as I always say,
but still not to be my happy ending. Well, here's to hoping a happy ending comes along my way. Cheers!
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When the tender heart bleeds
Come with me for a moment
So I can hopefully teach
Some things you can do
When your tender heart bleeds
Put your hands on the tap
And twist it wide open
Pour out those tears
It's good to be broken
Unlike what some say
These tears won't kill you
The sadness and grief
Brings healing too
Of utmost importance
Is that you're aware
That you won't drown
Cause we, and God are there
Get on your knees
Lift up a benediction
Then open your eyes
And face the reflection
Of the pool that's now gathered
Right there where you stand
It's important you see
Why it's part of God's plan
At first the surface
May be broken and scattered
But as the gushing ceases
Take heart, it will gather
And slowly but sure
Revelations will form
But only if you
Spend time and be strong
To look and to see
At your now crystal clear past
To learn and to hear
What God says. A must
You'll never get over
A heart that is broken
Until reasons revealed
And a lesson you've learned
Don't just shut it all out
And then run away
Because with a vengeance
It will come back some day
There's so much in life
That we must experience
But these memories are
More precious than billions
Because a sure purpose
They were sent to serve
Why does God do it?
Only he knows above
Your friends are so many
A guy, is but one
If he's so important
Then what of God's Son?
The space in our hearts
Was never meant to be filled
By a man or a lover
They will never fulfill
We're all imperfect
Only God can complete us
Only then we are whole
Otherwise with a weakness
A weakness that binds us
To eternally searching
For cure to the heart
That's forever aching
But we know the answer
And it is in Christ
And only His love
Will trully suffice
We've all made mistakes
But don't just forget
Learn and improve
And never regret
Life on this earth
Is only a pea
When compared to the ocean
Of God's eternity
That's all I can offer
My friendship to you
I'm sure others around
Have done the same too
Whenever you feel
Really lost and alone
Remember these words
We're just on the other side of the phone
-16th February 2006-
Writer's note: Wrote this for a friend who was hurting after things
took a wrong turn. People always tell you to move on. To quickly forget the bitter and remember the sweet.
I say bullshit. Take the time to learn from the bitter and the sweet, AND appreciate the lessons. Then you'll
find that even things you don't want to remember, bring you a smile when life moves on. Why you ask? Because
if you learn from your experiences, then everything you have been through will bear meaning, enriching your life. You will
never have to regret them. It's only when people refuse to accept the hard lessons, that they regret.
Hopefully this has helped someone.
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To my comrades
I applaud you
For staying strong
And standing in
Through thick and thin
I applaud you
For perservering
And being there
When things weren't fair
I applaud you
For having faith
And trusting God
When others, not
I applaud you
For looking up
And have desire
For holy fire
I applaud you
For joining me
In taking arms
Against the qualms
I applaud you
For being brave
In doing right
And fight the fight
I applaud you
For staying true
In your serving
Of God's calling
-23rd April 2006-
Writer's note: This is written specifically for my childhood friends who have
remained faithful in the ministry. Like soldiers, we fight the good fight, and need to be united in our front.
Hope this will encourage some of you who feel discouraged, weakened, or useless. In the end, we do it all for God,
and not man.
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A prayer of focus
I need a pause of sorts
To break and space my thoughts
Now one jumbled mess
As knotted binds coalesce
Projects to put aside
One more month yet ends untied
The papers stacked up high
Imposing workload in July
Responsibilities of leadership
As myself and others I try to equip
In church, Uni and social circles
Each reprenting different hurdles
Then there are the broken hearts
That Someone, somewhere left me in charge
Each careful word that leaves my mouth
Has to be thought, processed within and without
Quietly I rest the secret affairs
That I have been shown, to uphold with prayers
Things that others do not hear or see
Burdens graciously tasked to me
The new objects of my desire
I have to snuff this little wild fire
Perhaps, beautiful, we'll continue this game
If there remains later, a flame
I have juggled all these many things
From serious work to happy flings
Church ministry and a couple of "A's"
Plus the whats and the whos on sunny days
But a time has come for me refocus
From all my crosses to find one locus
And I know where the lines of the inks meet
I'll find right there, just what I need
Dear God, I thank You for the chance
For me to take up Your cross and advance
But in my weakness show the way
Lest the darkness pulls me astray
Guard my mouth to speak what's true
Let lies and idle words be few
And with each sentence bless a soul
I'm going to need more self-control
I humbly yield myself to you
Please lead me where I'm overdue
I surrender any selfish thoughts
Remove these blemishes and spots
That I may be a holy vessel
Victorious in my daily wrestles
Shining bright Your righteous love
And joy to others from You above
I get on my knees and I confess
My motives haven't been the best of the best
But Jesus You know my hearts desire
Send again your holy fire
Guide my paths in love and my life
Be in my thoughts, of work or a wife
Take your place, on the throne built for one
Let nothing take, the place of God's son
Remove from me unnecessary distractions
Spur my laden feet into action
Set my tired eyes upon you again
And cover me with your refreshing rain
I want to live my life for you
I want my walk to be pure and true
Strengthen me where I may falter
All this to You, I bring at the altar
Let there be, no pretense in me
And if there's weakness, let me see
Thank You God, for being near
My prayer I know, You'll surely hear
-20th July 2006-
Writer's note: Ahhh... so many thoughts weighing in on me. I felt I needed
some time to pause and regain my composure. What better way than write it out, and what better method than a prayer. ( =
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I'm true
(Verse 1)
People say, " I'm sorry ",
But are they really? I don't know.
Some people say, " I love you ",
But do they mean it? We won't know.
(Chorus 1)
But baby you must know I'm true,
Ever true to you.
And even if I fall sometimes, oh baby,
I'm still true, to you.
(Verse 2)
I've never said, " I Love you ",
But do I have to? You know I do.
I didn't say, that I'm sorry,
Just to please you, It's how I feel It's true, yeah
(Chorus 2)
Cause you're the only one I want back in my life,
And you're the only one I need.
And even if I never showed how much you mean to me now,
Know now baby, you do, Indeed.
(Verse 3)
People say, I'm a phony,
That we were never meant to be.
But baby know, It's you only,
You're the only one I want to be with me.
(Chorus 3)
So baby you must know I'm true,
Ever true to you.
And even if this life somehow tears us apart,
I'll still be true to you.
True to you... (repeat)
-23rd May 2002-
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Could it be
(Verse 1)
Oooh… could this feeling be love.
Can you tell me, is this real.
How can I feel this way when all around's a blur.
Oh please just tell me, could this be love.
(Chorus 1)
Cause since we met that day my minds still in a daze.
And since we talked that day I've longed to see your face.
And in my sleepless nights I long to leave this place,
So I can be there, by your side, in your embrace
(Verse 2)
Oooh… could this feeling be love.
Are you heaven sent, from above.
I can't describe this thing I'm feeling, It's unreal.
Please just tell me, could this be love.
(Chorus 1)
Cause when I think of you, and know you're near,
My fears and troubles disappear.
And all those doubts that were deceiving,
Fall away and leave me feeling,
More and more in love with you,
Please baby tell me, what can I do,
So I can be there in your arms, loving you.
So I can be there in your arms, loving you.
-13th March 2002-
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Ku rindu
(Verse)
Ingatkan masa kita bercinta,
Ingatkan masa kita bergembira.
Ingatkan masa bila kita bersama,
Ingatkan masa kasih yang setia.
(Bridge)
Tapi kini kurasa, kehilangan semuanya.
Kusedar cinta kita, kian terpisah.
Tercucur air mata, perasaan terluka,
Kenapa paksa kehilangan cinta.
(Chorus)
Ku rindu belaian mu. Ku rindu senyuman mu.
Ku rindu rasa kasih setia mu
Ku rindu suaramu. Ku rindu sentuhan me.
Ku rindu masa cinta bersama mu,
Ku rindu.
-24th June 2002-
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All I ever wanted
(Verse )
Remember the love we had
When our hearts met
Those times I'll never
Will forget
Remember those timeless days
When our hearts raced
Oh how I longed for
Your embrace
(Bridge)
Though now I know that we are done
I try to move on but I just can't
Oh baby know you're still the one
The one I'll ever truly want
(Chorus)
You're all I ever wanted
You're all I ever dreamed
You're all I ever wished for
You're all I'll ever need
-2nd October 2002-
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This page was last updated on:
07/20/06 08:58 PM